Monday, December 31, 2012

Christmas In Pictures....

We had a great Christmas.  Even though it seemed like sickness was all around us, we seemed avoid it and was able to really enjoy Christmas.  Rylee questioned every aspect of Santa this year and we kept shutting her down by telling her she doesn't get any presents if she ask questions.  I wanted to give in and tell her but my husband was so sad about it and said to just let it ride until next year:(

I didn't get to post my Christmas card before Christmas on here so here it is.  I took the pictures and created the card.
This is the front....
  Here is the back....
We had a total of four family gatherings to go to over Christmas that started on Sunday and ended on Tuesday night.  We hosted two of those gatherings here at our house this year.
Everything was peaceful and everyone seemed to really enjoy getting together this year!
I didn't have my camera in my hand much so I only got a couple of the kids at the gatherings:(
Tegan was so excited to open presents!
 Rylee with two of her cousins at my mom's house.
 Cally and Konner....My older brother's kiddos.
 Ready.  Set.  Go!!!!!!
 One happy girl!

Christmas Eve night!  The kids call this tree our "Cohen tree".
 A little blurry but here is the big tree....
 Sleepy, tired, excited and mad b/c I made them sit on the couch and wait for daddy before they could really check out their stuff!
 A really funny story about Tegan.  He only had three things setting out from Santa.  Rylee had lots more out including a Kindle Fire. When I asked Tegan why he thought Santa left more stuff out for Rylee than him, he responded with "I don't care.  I love what I got from him".
 So just a few minutes later, this was his face when he looked out the front door and found that Santa had left him a pretty big gift out on the front porch.
 Opening their presents from Mommy and Daddy.
He couldn't wait to try out his big gift from Santa!!!
 Look at his face!

She has pretty much been this way since Christmas morning.  She loves her Kindle Fire and so does her mom:)  We fight over who gets to play on it all the time.  I don't understand why Santa didn't bring me one:(
 Again, this is all I could get out of her!
 The destroyed living room!
 I love Christmas so much!  It is my favorite time of the year.  I am always so ready to decorate the tree but I tell you, this year I was glad to get my house back to normal and for all the "stresses and running around" to be over with.  I am so burnt out from running from place to place that I have just decided to cook us our very own New Year's day lunch at home instead of going to anyone's house for lunch.  That is saying a lot since I don't really like to cook.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and has a wonderful New Year.
Looking forward to continued blessings in 2013!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Lacking Motivation

I am pretty sure that the last three days of my life have been the most unproductive days ever.  In fact, this is the second day that I have stayed in my pajamas all day.  No worries, I did take a shower late last night and put on clean pajamas:)

I had visions of cleaning this house from top to bottom to prepare for Christmas but I'm just not that in to doing it.  I work better under pressure anyway so I am sure I will be scrambling Christmas Eve morning when our first of two family gatherings is just hours away from taking place at our house.

It is so super windy in the great state of Georgia today.  So much so that I am using that as my excuse for staying in my pajamas (yesterdays excuse was rain).  Seriously though, in our old house we didn't have any trees around us so I never had to have a fear of the wind.  Well that is totally different in the new but really old house.  The things that are falling from the trees and hitting this new tin roof have me ready to pee my pants.  I laid awake last night until I couldn't fight it anymore envisioning one of those huge trees falling right through the roof on my bed.  Just when I would go to doze off, a huge tree limb would hit the roof and I would jump out of my skin.  At one point I thought about sleeping under the bed but then I was sure that not only the tree would crush me but the bed would too!
That sweet husband of mine called me while working hard (or whatever it is they do all day) and asked me to go outside and make sure the watering thingy on this side of the pasture had water in it.  I gave him this huge speech about the wind and pajamas and falling tree limbs on my head but he didn't care at all and told me it would be good for me.  Seriously, for all he knows I have been slaving away in this house but then again, I think he knows me better than that:)  Tip number one, Old Navy pajama pants are no match for hurricane like winds! That air cuts right through my pants.  I can't actually see the water holder thingy from where I turn it on but usually the other end of the hose is in the water holder (whatever you call that thing) so I just stand up there and wait a while and then turn it off.  While I was out there waiting very impatiently, I was looking around and noticed that the blue redneck kiddie pool that my mom let us borrow for Teg's summer party (and we never gave it back) had blown all the way up our long driveway and was heading for the road.  So I do what any stupid girl in her pajamas outside in cold weather would do, I came and got in the car and went to go get it.  Well since it doesn't fit in the car, I am holding it through the window of my car.  Just driving down the road with a blue baby pool hanging on the side of my car b/c I'm cool like that!  Well I totally forgot how hard the wind was blowing and suddenly it jerks the pool right out of my hand and almost pulled me out the window. There she blows....back up the driveway.  I had to look like an idiot chasing that darn $5 pool all over the place with pajamas on and a camo stocking hat that fits my five year old's head...not mine! Caught it!  Victory was mine!  I put the pool back in the pole barn and wedged it in there so it can't get away again.  I turn the water off that is filling up the cows water thingy and come back to the house.  From the porch, I can see the water thingy and noticed that I didn't see the hose hanging inside of it which means that all that water just ran all over the ground.  I call my husband, tell him I love him but I'm not going back out there.  He gives me a pep talk and I tell him I will go back out there just for him but instead I took a nap:)  I mean, will the darn cows die if they don't have water for one day???  Oh hush, I will go back out there but don't judge me for trying to get out of it!!!! 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Christmas Overload!

I have shopped, wrapped and then shopped and wrapped some more around here.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year but this year it has seemed way more stressful than normal.  I have went above and beyond to get my kiddos just what they wanted....or I shall say Rylee just what she wanted b/c Tegan said just to get him whatever I wanted him to have.  He actually told Santa to bring him anything he wanted to.  I had Rylee's list checked off quickly.  It is so much easier to shop for a girl.  But Tegan was a different story.  So by the time I went shopping 14 times looking for him some stuff that he would like, I had picked up to much stuff and had to get Rylee more stuff.  It is never ending!!!
We don't buy our kids much stuff that isn't a need throughout the year.  They basically get clothes and shoes and rarely get any kind of toy or non essential unless it is a birthday or Christmas.  I think that b/c of that, we seem to go a little more over the top the older that they get.  But that's OK, b/c they are far from being spoiled and the looks on their faces on Christmas morning makes it worth it. But I would be telling a big old story if I didn't say how happy I will be when our bank account gets to stop bleeding money!  We are very blessed to be able to give our kids a great Christmas and even more blessed that we do it without running up credit cards:)

We made an attempt at taking some time to take our kids to do something fun during this season but it kind of back fired b/c our almost 10 year old is getting to old for little old Christmas stuff and our 5 year old wasn't a fan of the really long lines that we had to wait in to ride a train and then see Santa.  He kept saying it wasn't worth it:(  But we finally got to Santa and Rylee was not excited that I made her go up to to take a picture too but she played it off well.....

Rylee told me the other day that there are kids in her class that talk about how Santa isn't real.  I have a bad feeling that this will be the last year that both of our kids believe in Santa....or atleast let us believe that they believe in Santa.  Makes me very sad.

The best part about this year is that my husband and I decided to exchange gifts for the first time in years.  Well we keep trying to one up each other and in doing so, somehow we each have as many presents under the tree as the kiddos!  I have to say that it has been fun and has turned in to a sort of game for us and it has also made both of us act like excited kids waiting to see what we will get on Christmas morning.  I highly recommend it!

If you get a chance, swing by the Cohen Lane website or facebook page and pick up a free page of printable Christmas tags....
The countdown to Christmas is on!!!!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Romans

I'm not the best Bible reader.  In fact, I'm not a huge reader at all.  I can read a few lines and five seconds later, I have no idea what I just read.  I wish I had the discipline to read in the bible on a daily basis.  I truly (meaning with all my heart) love nothing more than to run across a great bible verse that speaks to me and can honestly change my life.

I don't think God is mad at me b/c I'm not a reader.  In fact, I think that he finds different ways to hit me with his word.  I am a huge real life reader.  I love to read real life stories about other people's lives.  Hints why I like to write and blog:)  In particular, I love to read real life stories that show me how God holds us, loves us, changes us, hurts us and picks us up.  I have my very own story that most of you know.  Just a little over six years ago, I didn't really have a story but I believe with everything that is in me that God gives us these stories as part of the a much bigger plan.  

When I am worried, at my weakest or maybe even not appreciating life like I should, God sends his word to me in a way that I will listen.  In a way that strikes me to the core.  In a way that I can learn from it.

Tonight I clicked on a blog that I read often.  In her most recent post, there was a link to another blog and for whatever reason, I clicked on it.  What I read there has sucked me in and is already teaching me things.  It is a horrific story about a mom losing her son that was playing in the rain with friends one second and then swept down a flooded creek the next.  Gone....in the blink of an eye! After reading her post where she gives the play by play of what is for sure the most horrible day of her life, for some reason I clicked to read another post of her's that was in the sidebar.  She talks about how on the very night that her son passed, her husband went to plug her cell phone in to charge and instead of her app screen coming up like normal, this was on her screen:

Romans 8:38-39

 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 God spoke to her with this verse just like he spoke to me tonight at a time when I needed it most.  I am almost embarrassed to say that I have never even heard this verse before but I sure have felt every word of it as I read it over and over again.

I'm not perfect.  My God knows that.  He is OK with my imperfection but he doesn't leave me.  He finds a way to get to me even when I didn't even realize I was looking!

Blessings to all of you!


Friday, December 14, 2012

There Are No Words.....

Unless you have had your head in the sand today, you know about the horrible tragedy that has happened at an elementary school.  Oh how my heart breaks.  I have cried for those kids, those teachers and their families.  Nothing that has ever happened in my life can ever compare to what these people have had happen to them or how they feel and I hope it never does.  I couldn't stop watching the news as it was unfolding but at the same time I wanted to block it out and pretend that the world is perfect and that this would never ever happen!  I was sitting there wrapping my own kids Christmas presents while the news was on until it just got the better of me and I stopped what I was doing and left my house 30 minutes earlier than normal to go sit in the car rider line to get my kids.  Even though I couldn't see them, just being where I could get to them made me feel better.

Tonight I took time to lay with my precious 5 year old (also in kindergarten) until he was sound asleep.  That is something I haven't done in a very long time!  After leaving my son's bed, I then went and sat down for a long talk with my 10 year old.  She had saw some of the news and was wanting to know details.  I told her a little about it and then did something I never thought I would do, I tried to tell her how if something like this happened at her school she needs to stay quiet.  Don't draw attention to herself but listen to everything her teacher tells her.  Who does this???  Who in the world has to have this conversation with your elementary aged child?  My 5 year old would never understand what I was trying to explain to my 10 year old so how do I feel like I am preparing him too??  

My instinct has always been to keep my children as close to me as possible but I have to let them live.  I can't let my fear put us on lock down.  I have to say that I have never felt more content in my life than I do tonight knowing that both of my children are in their beds safe and sound.  My kids have two more days of school before being out for a few weeks for Christmas break, I just want those two days to fly by so that I know they are home with me for the next three weeks.  Yes, I know that horrible things can happen to them while they are with me but my greatest fear has always been to not be able to get to them if something bad happens.  That has to be the most helpless feeling ever!!!

When I got on facebook after watching the news for a while, there were so many amazing updates showing that prayers were just flowing for anyone affected by this.  But there were also those that took a political stance and blaming the gun for the killings or the school for not having enough security.  The fact is that 27 people are dead.  No one cares about your political views or your pointing of the finger.  If a crazy person wants to harm others, he will not only find a way to get a gun but he will also find a way to get in to the most secure of places.  Instead of pointing blame, you should pray.  Instead of pointing blame, you should be praising God for those teachers.  We don't know what it was like in that building but these adults that could hear shots going off all around them, had to think of these kids first and put themselves last.  I promise that if we heard a story from every one of those teachers, they would have an amazing story of how they kept the kids calm, hid the kids and protected them.  I watched an interview on 20/20 tonight with one of the teachers and I cried the entire time.  You can tell that she will never be the same.  She packed all of her students in a tiny bathroom, she kept them quiet and clam but the best part of her story was how she made sure to tell them all that she loved them b/c she wanted that to be the last thing that they heard.  She thought that they were all going to die but yet she stayed calm and protected those children.  She may have saved every one of those kids lives as I am sure many other teachers in that school did too!  I don't know a single teacher that wouldn't do this for their kids! 

I just pray that those that lived through this and survived can one day be OK.  I pray even harder for all of those families whose lives will forever be changed and will forever have a missing link.
God definitely has my attention tonight!!!
No better verse to end this post with than this...."Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

Friday, November 30, 2012

Mommy Caught The Flu

and her poor daughter did too!!!

This has been the longest week ever!  For the first time in my 32 1/2 years, I got the flu.  No I didn't have a flu shot....save your comments for someone else b/c my dear sweet daughter had a flu shot and still caught the flu from her mama.
It is very safe for me to say that I have never been so miserable in my entire life as far as sickness goes.  It all started last Saturday.  I woke up not feeling well but not really sick.  I got up and motivated and began feeling a lot better as the day went on.  We went to run a few errands late in the afternoon and then came home to order a pizza for supper.  We sat down to eat at around 7:00 and it hit me....the worst cold chills I have ever had!  Things just got worse from there.  I was in bed shortly after that b/c I was just freezing to death and I stayed there for the next two days.  I only got out of bed after two days b/c my husband made me get up so that he could drive me to the doctor.  I was so sick that I was literally crying in the waiting room b/c it was going to be an hour to an hour and a half wait and I couldn't even bare to think about being out of bed that long.  So this germaphobe did something I have never done before, I just laid down on a bench and spread my germs with the world!  I tested positive with the flu and was also diagnosed with a sinus infection too.  I came home and got straight back in the bed and I can't even remember when I got out of bed again after that.  Tuesday morning, Rylee woke up feeling sick and has been in the bed with the flu ever since.  In the meantime, I have been up and down.  One hour I feel like I can get up and move around and then suddenly I am knocked flat on my back.  I just can't seem to kick this and it is driving me nuts!
My body has ached, I have had the worst cough ever that just won't leave me alone, stuffy nose, headache, so weak and tired, dizziness, upset stomach....you name it, I've had it!  Rylee has followed the same process and even though everyone says the flu shot will lessen the symptoms, they haven't for her:(  
I am so tired of being sick and stuck in this house.  I have gotten behind on everything.
So far, the boys are both good but I don't know how.  Tegan had a flu shot but Paul didn't and since he has refused to sleep anywhere but in the bed right beside me at night, I am praying over him that he doesn't get it!
My husband has been great.  He has handled everything with the kids, did the laundry, kept things picked up, and has took great care of me! 
I am praying that I have turned a corner and will be like a brand new person by the end of this weekend but judging by this coughing fit I am having right now, it isn't looking so good:(

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Small Business Saturday

Today is Small Business Saturday!
Be sure to get out (or online) and support a small business today! 
Cohen Lane is having a 40% off sale in our etsy shop today only!

 Thanks so much for your support! 

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! We have a busy day with lunch with my husband's family, supper with my dad, a little night time shopping and then another Thanksgiving meal on Saturday with my mom.

I am so super thankful for so many things.  There were way to many things to list in the facebook challenge that everyone is doing so I thought I would do a few here....
My God. My husband. My Kids. My health.  My life. My Home. My attitude change.  My baby boy Cohen.  My ability to recover. Everything good and bad that molds me. 
I honestly think this list could go on and on for days but since I have some cooking to do, I have to cut it short but I am most thankful for the life that I have with my husband.  We aren't always at the point in our lives that we imagined but we are there together and somehow our marriage has survived things that most couples can't make it through!  

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.If you get a chance, do something great for someone when they least expect it without even letting them know it is you. Oh and if you go shopping tonight, be sweet and chill out.  It is all fun in the end b/c you know this stuff will go on sale again in a week or two:)

Happy Thanksgiving!
Many Blessings!!!

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Cracked Nuts

I tell you what, I have felt like a cracked nut for the past two months.  Every night was filled with soccer practice and games, twirling practice and performances, and play practice that ended with SEVEN shows.  It is safe to say that not only my kids are excited about a weekend at home but these parents are too!

Even though it makes for a crazy schedule, I love to watch Rylee in these plays and she loves to do them.  I think this one was her favorite so far.  It will be a while before she is in another one b/c the next one is just adults but that's OK, I welcome the break:)

The play this time was called the Cracked Nuts.  It was so funny and every night they threw a little something extra and off the wall in there that would crack me up.  People left smiling and happy from every show.  I have to thank Dannette, Susan and Nikki for doing such a great job putting the show together, taking great care of my girl and most importantly, allowing her this opportunity.

Of course, this was my favorite part of the show.  Ry is the smaller girl in the red (I just realized she doesn't have on shoes?).  Of course my camera card got full before it was over and I was a little wobbly 
but here you go....
video

I took lots and lots of pictures....
 Sweet Ry on stage at the beginning of the play!
 There were some great people in this play!  So kind to the kids!
 In the above picture is Dannette and Susan!  They are great!  One day soon, we will see Dannette on TV doing her comedy!  She has a talent for sure.



This was a great experience for Rylee.  She is already saying she can't wait to see what is next.  
Hopefully this post explains my lack of posting.  It has been so busy and I felt like I was falling behind but I am feeling all caught up now and ready for the Holidays!!!  
Happy Friday everyone!!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Flying By Fall....

I have no idea where the last half of October and first half of November have went.  It has been very busy around here for us and I am playing a little catch up.  
I love fall!  There is no doubt that it is my favorite time of the year.  I always have huge hopes of cute fall decorations all over the house and some pumpkin spice candles burning.  I fail at doing either of those things every year.  But I'm OK with that b/c that means I am busy with my little ones.  I know that all to soon there will be a time when I can do all the fall decorating I want but for now, I just like to enjoy these not so babies.
We went to the pumpkin patch with the church.  I love the pumpkin patch even though I had already bought me a really huge pumpkin at Aldi for $2.49:)
It was a fun and busy day so I didn't get very many pictures to show....


 Then came Halloween. I know it sounds strange for fall to be my favorite time but yet Halloween is my least favorite holiday.  I'm not a huge fan of the dressing up, running from house to house, the endless sugar rush, etc.....  But these kids won't let me get out of it.  Luckily, this year our church had a Halloween Trunk n Treat on Halloween night so we were able to go there and skip the door to door thing.  They got a ton of candy.  I was last minute thinking about their costumes and everything was sold out so we had to get a little creative. 

Teg was a scarecrow.  I had everything he needed to make his costumes so it was so simple and he was so excited about it....except for the hat.  

Rylee was a nerd!  She made the cutest little nerd that I have ever seen.  As with Tegan, we just used stuff we had at home for her costume.

As you can see, she took her costume seriously and played the part very well.

It has been one of the busiest past 5 weeks ever with Tegan's soccer, Rylee's Twirling and her endless play practices and seven shows (more on that later).  
I hope you are all having a great fall.  I know it is silly but I am having to stop myself from putting up all my Christmas Decorations b/c that is my favorite Holiday!!!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Favorite Things Friday

Usually Friday is one of my favorite things but since it is the day before hunting season begins, I'm not that excited.  My husband has big plans to hunt this season which means I will be a hunter's widow for the next 3 months:(

To brighten things up around here....I am doing a cheap version of my favorite things!
During the winter time, I always have really dry lips.  It has gotten much better the older that I get but that may be b/c I am addicted to this Nivea lip balm.  I love it.  The one I have doesn't really have a color tint to it but it does add a shine like lip gloss but hydrates my lips like chap stick.  I can't remember exactly how much this was but I am pretty sure I didn't pay more than $3 for it at Walmart.
I am horrible at applying makeup.  I like the idea of makeup but I don't like the time and expense that goes in to it.  That is something else that I am sure I will start finding the time to get better at the older that I get.  One goal I have is to figure out how to put on eyeliner.  Would you believe that I am 32 years old and have never worn eyeliner before???  But I will OCCASIONALLY wear mascara.  Since I only wear it every now and then, the last thing I want to do is pay a fortune.  So I was so excited when I noticed that Walmart now has E.L.F. brand makeup.  I had never tried this makeup but I have heard of it and heard great things about it.  They have eyeshadow for $1.00!!!!  They also have mascara that is anywhere from $1 to $3.  I bought this double use tube (one side is waterproof) for $3 and I love it.  
 OK...now I know some of you are going to think I am out of my mind with this next one.  I can not walk outside without sunglasses.  I must have them all the time.  The problem is that I am obviously cheap.  I just can't pay tons of money for expensive sunglasses because I tend to misplace things all the time.  One day I was out and had forgotten my sunglasses at home so I just wanted a cheap pair to put on.  I just happen to be in the Dollar Tree....yes, I bought a pair of $1 sunglasses at the Dollar Tree.  I LOVE them.  They are comfortable and cheap.  I don't have to worry about losing them b/c I get my money's worth out of it on the first day.  Like when that wave swallowed me whole at the beach and stole my sunglasses right off my face....WHO CARES b/c you only paid $1 for them!!!  The best thing is that I can buy like ten pair and have them everywhere as back ups in case I forget them at home.  I know, you can't believe it but I happen to love my Dollar Tree sunglasses!!!

Alright everyone....Happy Friday and if you have a hunter husband like mine, may you not be lonely this hunting season!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Random Life Post....

First off....please go over and give lots of love to the parents of Super Ty at www.superty.org .  Ty lost his battle with cancer yesterday at just 5 years old.  I won't lie, I cried like a baby when I read her post.  I have followed this blog forever and even though I don't know them, I was too invested to stop reading it everyday when I knew it was making me so sad.  I have seriously prayed everyday for this little boy and prayed that he would feel peaceful and that God would have mercy on his parents.  My heart just breaks for them!

On a different note, I have felt a little better this past week.  My heart was so full of a heaviness that I just couldn't explain and still can't.  I just started to pray daily for relief and strength.  I feel like each day the heaviness lightens a little more but not completely yet.  My best friend sent me something that was in her devotion and  is so true.  This is something that I am trying to remember everyday.....
 Satan wants you to believe God is holding out on you. You can be like God. You can be your own god. Rather than being thankful for what we do have, he points out what we don’t have. 
 
We have had some sickness going on in our house.  Tegan had his 5 years shots on Monday.  Tuesday he woke up with a really high fever.  I know that is common but it just really bothered me b/c it is the first time I have ever let him get combined shots.  He usually gets them one at a time on an altered schedule b/c of his problems earlier in life.  Now I'm not so sure if it was the shots or that he caught something while we were in the Dr.'s office for TWO HOURS!!!  He is all better now and back at school against his will. 
My husband woke up Monday night sick.  In the entire 12 years we have been together, I have never known him to throw up much less have a stomach virus.  It was brutal.  It was the kind of throwing up that I could hear him doing all the way on the other side of the house.  He is still wiped out but is finally coming back to the land of the living.  I have sprayed so much Lysol in this house that I can't even smell anything anymore.  
 
Rylee is moving up in her twirling class to a more advanced class.  She loves doing it and I think a lot of that has to do with her best friend taking the class with her.
 
Tegan is playing soccer and is not a big fan.  His heart is with t-ball/baseball and that makes this mama happy.  Of course we are making him play and finish out his soccer season.  This means that we have to threaten him before every game to watch for the ball and not watch for airplanes:)
These pictures can be very deceiving....I think he is running away from the ball.


 
We have been very busy around here running our kids to soccer, twirling and Rylee's play practice.  It has seemed non stop and some days overwhelming but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

This Haunted House Needs The Long Island Medium

OK....I don't know if I believe in Ghost or not.  I probably shouldn't given my religious beliefs but I do believe that there are spirits around.  I have wrote before about how I will be laying in bed at night with insomnia and hear the voice of one of my kids (they sound exactly the same) whispering "Mama".  I will be wide awake and sit straight up in bed thinking one of my kids is walking in the room and about to get sick or something but nobody is there.  I get up and run to their rooms but they are both knocked out.  After this happened a few times, it didn't spook me anymore b/c I started to believe that it was the voice of Cohen and God's precious gift to me.  I use to hear it two or three times a month but since we moved in July, I haven't heard it at all and it makes me really sad.

This house we recently moved in to is the childhood home of my husband.  He lived in this house since he was to young to remember.  The morning that his dad died six years ago, he died in this house.  I never really thought about it before we lived here but now it just feels off to me.  I have felt really uneasy living in this house and that is something I didn't expect or prepare for.  While I should just stop thinking about it and just enjoy where we are right now, I don't think we can move on fast enough!  
 
There have been several things that spook me.  Let me give you some examples:
 
The other night, my husband was getting ready to get in the shower.  He took his towel and sat it on the shelf right next to the tub and then walked out of the bathroom to go get his clothes.  When he came back, there was a nickel sitting right on top of the towel.  Somebody had to put it there b/c he had just carried that towel from the other bathroom to the one he was going to shower in.  Both kids were sound asleep and I hadn't even went down the hall.  He totally didn't believe me when I said I didn't do it but once I convinced him, I felt totally creeped out.

There is one certain door to the outside of this house that we never ever use.  There is nothing really outside that door that we need to get to so we just don't ever open it but I still check it every night to make sure it is locked up tight just like the other two doors.  Last night I checked it, it was all locked up.  This morning I walked by it and looked and it was unlocked.  There are three locks between it and the storm door....I always lock all three locks and every time I have found it unlocked, all three locks will be unlocked.  Everyone in the house denies doing it.  I'm scared!

I have a curio cabinet in the hallway that just has some odd and end things in it.  It is a little hard to open and you really have to pull on the door.  I walked past it to go put on my shoes before going to get the kids at school and I would have noticed if the door was opened.  I go get the kids and come straight home (maybe 30 minutes later) and one of the doors is wide open and pushed all the way back.  There is no way that door opened by its self.  I have had it for 8 years and it has never came open.

We have new hardwood laminates in all three of the bedrooms that we put in when we moved here.  When I walk in Tegan's room, for some reason it makes a little noise and sounds like the backing of the hardwood is sticking and ripping up from the flooring underneath.  One night he was coughing so I ran in to check on him.  He had stopped coughing and I just stood there watching him for a minute and then left the room.  I could hear the floor doing that to me as I walked out.  After I stepped on the hallway carpet I stopped and glanced in Ry's room.  I turned to go back to our room and I could hear that same sound on the floor that it makes only when someone is walking across it.  I thought Teg had woke up and was coming to my room but when I looked in he was asleep and I could hear the sound perfectly. 

This doesn't both my husband b/c I guess he thinks if something is here, it is his dad watching over us but I am terrified of stuff like this.  I watched the Long Island Medium on TLC the other night and she is very convincing.  I think she needs to take a trip down south and come visit this house to give me some peace.
I'm starting to think that I am going crazy but that is mostly b/c my husband has told me that I am going off the deep end! Ha! 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Forever My Baby....

Today it has been six long and short years since I last saw Cohen's little body.  Six years since I held him in my arms.  Six years since I memorized him....every inch of him.
I only held him once for about an hour and for whatever reason, I never asked to see him again.  I guess you could say that I was dazed, shut down and out of touch.
Every now and then I go to my little blue box filled with things from his short life and search for something new, something I have never seen before but sadly when a precious little life is taken from you so soon there are never any new items added to the box and never any stories told about him.  Instead of grieving the memories, I grieve the hopes and possibilities of what his little life could be.
Even though I have been sad lately and having a hard time, I am very confident that my heart has healed as much on this side of Heaven as it will.  I don't wish this had never happened to me, in fact, I praise God in my prayers every night for my Cohen.  When I let my mind wonder to Heaven, I have to admit I get an excitement in my heart when I think of Cohen waiting there for me.  It is an unexplainable feeling!
  I don't envision him being older.  I have this perfect image of this perfect baby laying in the arms of Jesus waiting for his mommy.  Even though he wasn't my last child, we will forever be my baby!

Last night I tried my hand at making my own flower arrangement for his grave.  I was pretty proud of how it turned out....
 This morning my sweet Rylee was up early.  She was actually up way before me.  I wondered in to the bathroom with my eyes half closed this morning and when I flipped on the light, this is what I saw.....

 My heart literally lit up!  Before I even opened it to read it, I was smiling from ear to ear.  No one has ever acknowledged Cohen as much as Rylee has.  She was almost four when I had him but he impacted her little life.  She makes sure to mention him from time to time.  I hear her telling Tegan that he has a brother in heaven.  I have said it before and I will say it again, Rylee is my saving grace and Tegan is my mercy!  This morning my sweet Rylee wrote this for me and I promise you that these words came straight from God's mouth to her hand b/c every word of it (including the I Love You Mommy) is exactly what I needed!

 Is there anything in this world better than that girl??? 

Today I plan to be happy, if not for myself then for her and for Tegan.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life the lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Clearing My Mind...

I've been sick with some sort of cold or flu.  It does not feel good and is taking me forever to recover from.

I have a new found love for night time cold medicine.  Even though I have tons of snot piled in my sinuses, I have still woke up rested feeling everyday since starting the cold medicine.  I may or may not be addicted but all I know is that a cold medicine coma is the best.

I went to the grocery store this morning and bought enough for 2 1/2 meals.....it cost me $80!  These people will be eating sandwiches every night if the cost of food goes up much more.

I had what I think was a panic attack in the middle of the night a week ago.  It was not fun and almost sent me to the hospital before slacking off.

Rylee is doing twirling and loves it.

Tegan is playing soccer and hates it:(  He has declared his love for baseball which is fine by me.  As long as he stays away from football, I'm good!

Tomorrow is Cohen's "Angel Day".

I think this house may be haunted or someone is playing jokes on me.

Cohen Lane has been keeping me very busy and on my toes.

I'm thinking of opening up a second etsy shop.  I know, add one more thing to your plate silly girl!  
 
Rylee talked me in to taking her shopping.  She took all my money!
 
I am procrastinating starting my work today, can you tell:)
 
 


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Proverbs


Two days ago I wrote THIS post about how my heart has been feeling lately.  That same day my husband finally asked me what was wrong and when I tried to tell him, his response was to start jogging.  No seriously, he told me that he read in my Redbook magazine that jogging helps your mood.  Then I proceeded to say only limited words to him over the next 24 hoursJ

No worries though because he did redeem himself somewhat last night.  Of course I had to start the conversation because the fact that I can slap on a happy face for my babies is a sign to a man that all is well in my world. 

I love the Bible.  I love to hear Bible verses that relate to my daily life and encourage me.  My problem is that I don’t really like to just sit down and read the Bible.  I pull the Bible verses that I love the most and then I leave the rest.  It has been brought to my attention by my husband that sometimes what I am looking for may be in “the rest” that I am leaving behind.  So last night as we talked he tried to convince me that while handing stuff to God and really leaving it with him is hard, it can be done.  He also suggested that read Proverbs and then I read it again.  All of Proverbs.  Now I think those suggestions were a little bit better than the suggestion of jogging because the man that should know me best should know that running and getting hot is not really my thing and it makes me have chest pains!  Ha! 

I am feeling a little bit better today.  I am always thankful for the blessings that I have and most importantly thankful for my husband and my children.  Does that stop me from wondering what is ahead and hoping for something more, no but my faith should teach me about the moment and not the future.  If I have learned anything I should know that no amount of regret or worry is going to control the things that are truly out of my control. 

So this is me, picking myself up and dusting myself off.  This is me learning to not let my anxieties and fears get the best of me.   I love the song by Phillip Phillips that says “Settle down, it’ll all be clear.  Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear”.  Isn’t that the truth! 

If I have learned anything in my little life it is that things can change on a dime….good or bad.  I may be sad and grieving (still) now but each year brings something different and something more that makes me say, I could have never imagined being in this place….I guess that is why it isn’t up to my imagination what direction I go in.  
Now please excuse me while I go read a little Proverbs:)

Monday, September 24, 2012

The Seasons of Life


This time of year is my favorite season but it is also a bad time of year for me.  Most of you know why but in case you don’t, we are fast approaching Cohen’s birth/angel day.  But the past couple of months have brought along with it a nagging and borderline depressed feeling that I just can’t overcome.  I have felt withdrawn and just different.  I am wanting to move at a much faster pace that God or even life is not willing to allow me.  I want what I want and I want it now…..don’t we all. 

I am 32 years old (I seriously had to think about my age).  Now I know that isn’t old but I feel like the early to mid 30’s is that point in your life…you know, the one where you have most everything figured out.  I know that isn’t true and it isn’t the case for everybody but in my mind, that is the way I thought it would be.  There are thoughts of a different home, career, faith and just life in general that have been swirling in my head lately.  I have realized more and more lately that the “family picture” I have had in my head for most of my adult life, isn’t complete but my husband’s “family picture” is complete.  I have a pull toward adoption.  My husband does not.  I am slightly uncomfortable in our new to us home.  My husband is content b/c he grew up here.  I am uneasy that my two kids are growing at a rapid pace.  My husband says it is part of life.   I want to do something.  What that something is, I have no idea! 

I have withdrawn a lot lately.  Withdrawn from friends and family.  It is very easy to do without anyone noticing b/c when you work from home and aren’t forced to be around others…who notices.  I feel very distant and feel like I need to refocus. 

Crying…I have been crying.  Of course it doesn’t help that I have been following the journey of Ty(if you read his mom’s blog, have a Kleenex) as his mom is an open book while navigating a territory that I hope I never ever have to venture in to.  I mean I can’t even think of this boy that I don’t even know without crying.  Every time I see that she has updated the blog, I start crying before it even pulls up on my screen.  I don’t think this is normal for me to feel this way.  I should settle for what I got and feel content that these precious kids that I have are healthy and happy and well provided for.  I should just be OK. 

I have had a hard time accepting that I am leaving the phase of footie pajamas and trading them in for half-grown children.  I have not adjusted well to moving which is insane b/c we literally moved across the yard.  It doesn’t feel like mine and it doesn’t feel permanent.  I am so ready for permanent.  My business does well and keeps me busy but I envision it a different way but I am to stuck in my own thoughts to make that vision come to life. 

I am tired and exhausted 90% of the time and I guess it is totally safe to say that I am feeling lost.   Oh and it is a Monday…a for real true Monday!