Thursday, July 29, 2010

That Loving feeling

Tonight I was watching my newest addiction favorite show, Boston Medical, where they were showing a baby being born and another newborn having to have heart surgery. I always get cold chills when I see a baby being born (not in real life b/c I haven't actually done that except for myself but on TV). You can almost smell that sweet baby right through the TV screen. But the real reason it tugs at my heart strings is if you watch the family around that baby...all is right in the world. The parents have never felt more connected than they are at that moment and I can literally feel that feeling coming back to me just b/c someone else on TV had a baby. It has to make me wonder that if we could take that feeling, bottle it up and pull it out when our husband's get on our nerves or vice versa, would the divorce rate be so high?? I was put to sleep for Rylee's birth so I don't have that moment with her. But I remember my husband literally holding me the moment Cohen came out and still remember how proud he was the minute Tegan arrived safely. Watching him made me happy. Feeling what he was feeling at the exact moment in time and being overcome with love for our new child connects you. But the problem is that the everyday grind starts to take over and stress pounds on a marriage just waiting on the other shoe to drop. It is impossible to hold on to that feeling all the time but if every once in a while you have something that brings that feeling back to you even for a moment then you are in a good place.
I'm using birth as an example but I am sure that there are so many other moments that can bring that connection. I've felt that when watching my husband the morning he lost his dad. He had on a hooded sweatshirt and it was raining. We were leaving the hospital shortly after his dad had died and I watched him cover his head with his hood, stick his hands in his pockets and walk to get the truck for me (I was only two weeks out from delivering Cohen) and I remember thinking "that man is really going to need me" and boy did he. I know that we didn't always handle the amount of grief that we had at that time well but I do know that he stands by me and I stand by him.
Some of the best relationships fall apart but some of the most challenged relationships that stand strong are what counts. People change and as humans that is hard for us to accept but we have to let it and leave room to grow. Just think of that moment when you gave birth, lost a love one, watched your spouse be hurt or had them support you when you were hurt and try to remember that is never to late to get that back! It is not always about feelings in the moment but more about the moments you have been through together!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Etsy Treasury

I have been featured on other blogs before but somehow I have never made it in to an etsy treasury until now! I am super excited to be featured in this Georgia themed etsy treasury. There are tons of great items in it and I am proud to be one of them. I am the burp cloths in the bottom right hand corner:) There are lots of awesome Georgia items in this one and this is a great way for us etsy sellers to share our work. Go check it out HERE!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Headache Heck

So for as long as I can remember I have had headaches. The older I get the worse they get and they seem to quickly go from regular aggravating headaches to migraines. The kind that put you in bed. When I have a headache the best thing for me is to lay down with a washcloth over my head but most of the time that just keeps me from throwing up and doesn't actually rid me of the headache. I have been known to take 8 Tylenol and 8 Advil in ONE day! They are just that bad. Tylenol doesn't really help much anymore and the Advil has started to hurt my stomach to the point of not being able to leave the restroom. I can't take much stronger stuff b/c they do the same thing to my stomach. I have started noticing that I am having more headache days than not so I have decided that I have to start weeding things out that may possibly be the cause. I'm sure stress plays a part but since I can't cut out my husband, kids, house or school I'm pretty much left to cut out something from my diet. Since I have had headaches as long as I can remember and I have been addicted to Cokes (or the caffeine) for as long as I can remember, that will be my first project. The sad thing is that drinking cokes could possibly be causing my headaches but then not having caffeine also gives me a headache. I'm not making any promises but I am going to slowly try to drink less and less drinks with caffeine in them which is SO HARD for me b/c my food literally taste different if I don't have a carbonated drink. I'm sure I could drink sprite or caffeine free coke but the ultimate goal is no carbonated drinks. All I can say is PRAY REALLY HARD FOR MY HUSBAND AND KIDS b/c this is not going to be pretty!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

We Ran Away...

We had this week long vacation planned for the beginning of the summer...I had planned and researched and wanted to please everyone. Then my hubby got a new job and the vacation had to be cancelled. I was mad but I got over it b/c truth be told I always want to go somewhere but I have huge issues with being away from home. But putting my own issues aside I planned just a quick overnight trip for me, the hubby and the two rug rats. Saturday morning we got up, made a stop at krispy cream and headed to the mountains. Helen is not all that far from our house. It actually only takes around an hour (or less with my husband driving) to get there. We went tubing down the river with about a thousand other people with the same idea. Helen has an awesome river for tubing and a money maker. Then we headed up the mountain to Hiawassee. This place means a lot to me b/c it is where my grandparents had a getaway house for all of my childhood days. Hiawassee is known for its Georgia Mountain Fair so we picked the hottest part of the day and enjoyed ourselves. We ate, walked through craft booths where I got some cute ideas and then headed to the rides. I don't really ride the rides b/c they make my head spin and it doesn't stop for days which is exactly what Rylee says it does to her...must be genetic:) But little old Teg does not have that same issue and would go on any ride his daddy was willing to take him on. When we would tell Tegan he could ride something he would jump up and down and was so excited. Once we had sweat out all of our body fluids, we went to the famous Deer Lodge to eat and headed back over the mountain to Helen. We didn't get to check in to our hotel until around 7:30 and unfortunately witnessed a kid being life flighted across the street from us for a near drowning in the river. We were told the kid was going to be fine and watched the helicopter as it took off. Then we went to the pool just before we crashed. Well me and Paul crashed but our kids continued to giggle and play until they had to be separated which meant I had to sleep with Teg and hubby slept with Rylee. I have to say I was worried about how Teg would sleep but once I laid down with him, he snuggled up close and went right to sleep.
It wasn't the vacation I had dreamed and planned for but it was a great trip for just the four of us. Something that we rarely do!! As long as Rylee had a bottle of water in her hands she was great. Tegan SHOCKED me! Usually we have to literally put him on a leash or in his stroller but not this trip. He was perfect and walked like a big boy. He never had to be confined and when we went tubing he just sat in his own float (tied to Paul) for TWO hours and was such a big boy. This was probably the most pleasant outing (including all grocery stores, restaurants, etc..) that I have had with Tegan since he started walking. I was so happy to see that the crowds, loud noises and lots of stimulation didn't bother him...I think this is a first for him!
Even though I had my SLR camera on hand, I didn't get it out the whole time we were there and instead rediscovered the joy of a teeny tiny point and shoot camera. So the pictures aren't what they could have been but better than nothing. I didn't get many but I tried:)

Ry on the way!

The first ride they went on and they were both terrified for the first 30 seconds but after that it was fair game for Teg!

I resisted the funnel cakes b/c apparently people think that since I am 30 I shouldn't eat things like that anymore.

He is such a kid!

Precious Babies!

If you look close you will see that Teg is down in there next to him. This is not a kiddie ride and since I couldn't see his face I was terrified that he was screaming and upset but nope he was all smiles and asked to ride it again!

They are just to cool for their own good:)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Things will change soon...

I can't seem to figure out where the first half of the year has gone. We will soon be celebrating my baby boy's 3rd birthday and before you know it, Christmas. In just 2 1/2 short weeks Ry will be starting the 2nd grade and in 3 weeks Tegan will be leaving my care (or a family members care) for the first time and heading off to preschool. Some days I want to burst in to tears about this but more so lately I have been ready. He is a sweet, energetic little boy that knocks me to my knees some days. Actually both of my kids are pretty high maintenance so they don't leave time for much else when they are both home all day long with me. Teg will only go for half days and for the first two months my school schedule doesn't happen to land during the time that he will be gone so guess what....I GET that time to do WHATEVER I WANT!!! Unfortunately that time will be filled with homework and a complete and total clean out of my entire house. I have actually laid out in my head (and maybe on paper) all of the things I plan to clean during the four hours he is at school each day. Who knows, I may get crazy and go for a nice long walk:) Seriously though, I totally expect to cry and I'm sure he will too. I am making no promises to anyone that he will not come back home with me instead of staying behind. Rylee was never a clingy kid. She was always independent and a social butterfly so I never worried a second about her but Tegan, well let's just say if I could fit him in my pocket I would place him there and carry him around with me 24/7! Unless the good Lord sees fit to bypass a vasectomy and the hit or miss birth control pills I take, he will be my last birthed child! This is going to be rough but as my sister keeps reminding me, about a week into this transition I am going to be floating on a plush cotton cloud that doesn't come down until 12:00 daily!!! I just want a clean house and then he can go back to staying home with me everyday:)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Pictures with COLOR

I take pictures which means that I am never in them so when another local photographer offered to do a trade off, I jumped at the chance. She recently did our pictures for us and I will be doing her family pictures for her soon. Let's start this off by telling you that my hubby HATES to have his picture made but after some nagging explaining of how important having a good family photo is to me, he cooperated better than EVER before. Every picture starting with our dating days, wedding day, child birthing days and between, shows a man who refused to have even a smirk on his face so I am very proud of him for doing this. Rylee is a rock star picture taker but Tegan...if I could tie him in my lap and it not be noticeable in the picture then that is what I would do.
I thought long and hard before picking out the clothing for our pictures. Our last family pictures consisted of all white shirts. The trend for a family is to all wear the same solid color. I am here to tell you that if you want your picture to pop DON'T DO THAT!!! You don't have to be matchy matchy for a great picture just don't be to clashy clashy (is that a word). So I picked out what the kids would wear and went to the local Cato's and bought my top for a small $9.99. Then there was Paul to deal with....he wears dark colors like all the time. The choices were pretty much grey, grey, dark blue or grey. He did still have that white shirt from last years pictures so I was just going to talk him in to wearing that but in the end, GREY won the battle. I think the colors (and the photographer:) made these pictures look great!!!
Not sure what Teg is doing with his hand/arm but this is the best picture of all of us!

Always a beauty!

See Paul in the background...great picture!

I like this one but I think Tegan was watching a truck going down the road. If you know him you know that anything with wheels grabs his attention.

All time favorite picture!!! Do you see it....hubby is smiling, like really smiling!

Love this one of me and my lady!

So sweet!

I was trying to talk him in to something but it wasn't working! When he doesn't want to do something he crosses his arms.

I love this one b/c I love how Teg is looking up at his daddy!
It was a great experience and one that I am sure I will not get out of Paul for another 2 years but at least these turned out great and I am super happy with them. If the photographer had a website I would link you to it but she is just getting things going and is already doing an awesome job!!!
So for your next family pictures think COLOR...all different COLORS! Only have one or two patterns in the picture (ex. Ry's dress) so that it doesn't look to busy. Pair up colors that you usually wouldn't pair up.
Sit down, shut up and really will be painless:)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Random Post

I'm sitting here with a Mega Millions lottery ticket from last nights drawing sitting in front of me. I'm just hoping this is my final few minutes before becoming a Million AIR!!!!

I've been very busy sewing up tons of camera strap covers, baby gifts and taking some pictures. I have really been blessed with all sorts of things going on.

School started back this week for me which makes me want to cry. I guess the fact that the teacher told us half of our test will be take home test and he voluntarily told us how to legally cheat, should make me feel better. I'm getting down to fewer and fewer required classes before time to apply to some programs. Where I will one knows!!!

I've been spending lots of time with my kiddos lately. Pool time, outside time, movie time...well no movie time for Teg b/c he is just a wild man. Last night me and Rylee actually had a "Date Night In". Rylee loves to be loved on and I don't think she gets it nearly enough with our busy schedules so after Tegan went to bed and once Paul got busy with his school work, we popped some popcorn and picked out a movie. We went in her room, closed the door and stayed in there all night. I kept telling her I was going to sleep with her but I don't think she believed me b/c you should have seen the look on her face when she woke up and I will still there this morning. She loved every minute of it and I did too!

Did I mention that it is like 200 degrees here in Georgia. It is just so HOT so if we aren't near water, we are inside until the last hour of daylight!

Rylee went to swimming lessons the week before last and on the first day my terrified of water daughter learned how to swim. It is so amazing to take her to a pool and watch her now. She has so much more fun! I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet girl!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Confusion of a Negative Nancy

I've been having some mixed emotions basically since Tegan was born. I have been happy, then sad, happy, then get the picture.
I love my kids with all my heart. I always tell people that Rylee was(is) my reason for living after losing our son and Tegan was(is) my saving grace. We got pregnant with Tegan within 2 months of giving birth to and burying Cohen. It was quick I know but I was sure those people in the "Experiencing Pregnancy After A Loss" book had no idea what they were talking about when they said you need to wait at least a year before getting pregnant. So we moved forward, got pregnant, almost lost him, had him, he stayed in the NICU, came home healthy, started having developmental delays, noticed his eyes scanning, he was diagnosed with Nystagmus, started physical and occupational therapy, caught up, grew like a weed, and all the while I have loved that boy and his sister with all my heart. Recently some friends asked me about the confusion factor...let me explain this. When getting pregnant quickly after giving birth to a son that didn't make it, the best case scenario for me was to have another boy but according to the "books" the best case scenario was for me to have a girl. I'm confused. I mean I think of my son Cohen EVERY.SINGLE.DAY but some days I get confused and have allowed Tegan to replace him. Sometimes I forget that Cohen and Tegan are not the same kid. I know this sounds strange but it is very very easy to do. I talk about everything I went through to get Tegan here but I'm not just thinking about the bed rest, cerclage and c-section but yet about the broken heart I had to endure to get to Tegan. I appreciate every day that the good Lord saw fit to give me all three of my children but that doesn't stop this little man from really pushing my limits...

He is without a doubt a difficult little man that can look at you with a look that will melt your heart. At one point during an extremely hard day today I found myself is this boy that prayed for, begged and pleaded for, that I had to lose a son to get and yet I am complaining about him. I'm human, so when this kid takes off running through a parking lot or falls on the floor screaming in public b/c he doesn't get his way, it affects me like it would any mother. He test me just like the big man above has tested me. Yes I have my mommy complaints more so about Tegan than Rylee (that could be b/c Rylee has always been an angel) but that will never ever mean that I don't appreciate this little man. I appreciate that he loves me and the connection I have with him but that doesn't mean that he is well fact I just want to collapse when he goes to bed at night. But the good thing is that even though my heart will never be complete without Cohen, at least I am collapsing in a home with two healthy and happy children. So no matter how difficult he is....he rocks my world.
The awesome thing about being a believer is that tomorrow is a new day. I can wake up tomorrow and God can show me great things. I can pray that this precious and extremely energetic boy finds some calmness or else his mommy finds some energy. I can also praise God for the blessings of my children. I can choose to handle Tegan without complaint and with faith. Do not ever mistake my complaints for being unappreciative. I am a real person. A person who loves her children, her husband and her life but also has bad days and parenting issues. I'm almost certain I can teach this child to be obedient but just in least he listens to his dad:)

"The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness." Psalm 25:10 (new living translation)