Thursday, October 4, 2012

Forever My Baby....

Today it has been six long and short years since I last saw Cohen's little body.  Six years since I held him in my arms.  Six years since I memorized him....every inch of him.
I only held him once for about an hour and for whatever reason, I never asked to see him again.  I guess you could say that I was dazed, shut down and out of touch.
Every now and then I go to my little blue box filled with things from his short life and search for something new, something I have never seen before but sadly when a precious little life is taken from you so soon there are never any new items added to the box and never any stories told about him.  Instead of grieving the memories, I grieve the hopes and possibilities of what his little life could be.
Even though I have been sad lately and having a hard time, I am very confident that my heart has healed as much on this side of Heaven as it will.  I don't wish this had never happened to me, in fact, I praise God in my prayers every night for my Cohen.  When I let my mind wonder to Heaven, I have to admit I get an excitement in my heart when I think of Cohen waiting there for me.  It is an unexplainable feeling!
  I don't envision him being older.  I have this perfect image of this perfect baby laying in the arms of Jesus waiting for his mommy.  Even though he wasn't my last child, we will forever be my baby!

Last night I tried my hand at making my own flower arrangement for his grave.  I was pretty proud of how it turned out....
 This morning my sweet Rylee was up early.  She was actually up way before me.  I wondered in to the bathroom with my eyes half closed this morning and when I flipped on the light, this is what I saw.....

 My heart literally lit up!  Before I even opened it to read it, I was smiling from ear to ear.  No one has ever acknowledged Cohen as much as Rylee has.  She was almost four when I had him but he impacted her little life.  She makes sure to mention him from time to time.  I hear her telling Tegan that he has a brother in heaven.  I have said it before and I will say it again, Rylee is my saving grace and Tegan is my mercy!  This morning my sweet Rylee wrote this for me and I promise you that these words came straight from God's mouth to her hand b/c every word of it (including the I Love You Mommy) is exactly what I needed!

 Is there anything in this world better than that girl??? 

Today I plan to be happy, if not for myself then for her and for Tegan.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life the lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

1 comment:

  1. Oh Tabitha, you have moved me to tears, actually sobbing is a better term. Loss is such a hard thing to go through and dealing with the pain seems intolerable at times. I admire you for having such grace and strength through such a hard time. You are the reason Rylee is so thoughtful and loving. We love you and will be thinking of you today. Cathy, Kelly, Cally and Konner Farmer