Tuesday, March 27, 2012

T-Ball is the BOMB!!!!

I have to say, there is not one single thing in this world any better than dressing your four year old baby boy up in a grown up looking baseball uniform and watch him run around aimlessly on a baseball field and play with dirt. 

 Love the picture below of him giving his first base coach (a.k.a his daddy:) five!

 The dirt just got the best of him!

 I take that back...maybe there is nothing better in this world than this sweet exhausted
face after a fun t-ball game!

Friday, March 23, 2012

My Husband

Today my husband and I are celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary.  These days, that is a pretty big deal.  I have to be honest, it is a great feeling to be at the 11 year mark and still feel like this is the person I will be with forever.  Our marriage has been hard.  Not so much because of us (although he would say it is hard b/c of me) but more because of the curve balls that life has thrown us but no matter what our battle, we always come out the other side standing by each other.

I am SOOOOO thankful for a Godly husband who would rather be home with his family than anywhere else.  I have an amazing husband that has done great things for our family.  I am thankful for his ability to get us out of debt and to be able to live a simple life without all the stress and burdens.  I am thankful that he is such a hard worker with a bigger plan in mind.  He loves me always, which I assure you isn't always easy.  He takes time with his kids and puts them first even when they insist that mommy does everything better:)

I don't want to make him or my marriage sound perfect b/c we all know that we are both far from perfect.  No one can make me as mad as he can.  We fight.  We give each other the silent treatment.  We disagree on a lot of life's issues.  We disagree on parenting our kids from time to time.  He doesn't allow me to eat out as much as I would like:)  He REFUSES to smile in pictures even though I beg him to!  He doesn't pick up hints very well (especially the hint where I say "will you bring me flowers" b/c goodness knows I have never gotten real flowers from him). 

I snap at him but he takes it.  I get aggravated with others outside our home but he reminds me to worry about only what is under our roof.  I am a clutter bug that lives with a closet OCD husband but he never ever says a word about it.  Since I don't eat meat on the bone, I don't cook it but I have never heard a complaint.  I have been obsessed with my business and working on it non stop for months but he doesn't complain and only supports me.  I am horrible at saving money but if money is needed, he takes care of it.  He makes me laugh!  He is never afraid to apologize.

I am so thankful for this man!  I don't know what I did to be blessed with him but he makes my heart happy more than he will ever know (even when he makes me mad)!  Happy 11 year wedding anniversary to my sweetie!


Friday, March 16, 2012

Happy WHAT????

We are T minus 7 days away from our 11th wedding anniversary. Now I don’t mean to put a guy down but my dear husband will be the first to admit that romance is not his strong point. I have grown use to it. Pretty much accepted it. But that doesn’t stop me from dropping hints that he doesn’t ever pick up on. For example, “I really love to get flowers”. His response, “flowers die….what a waste of money”. Hey, I said that we had been married almost 11 years but I didn’t say we have always been on the same page.

So tonight I ask my husband what he would like to do on our 11th anniversary. After the funny and “Oh crap when is our anniversary” look leaves his face, he replies with something that sounded like the word “nothing”. After the “if you want to live to see your next birthday” look left my face, I responded with “Oh we are doing something!!” He then goes on to say that he doesn’t even remember what we did last year for our big ten anniversary. Um….NOTHING! It became very clear to me that if I let this year slide, we will be falling in to a pattern.

Of course being the crazy lady that I am, I continue to bring up our anniversary at least 27 more times tonight. Hey….I don’t want him to forget between now and next Saturday!!! He finally shuts me up by telling me that he might have some great big surprise planned for me for our anniversary. Now let’s all hold our breath and see if he even remembers the most important day of his life. Important back then because it was the day he started his life with me….important now because it will be the day I decide if I should keep him or not. Just kidding! Don’t get your panties in a wad!!!

I know you will all be sitting by your computers just waiting to hear about the day from me. I’ll keep you posted!


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Carrying the Burden....

Since the day I found out I was having another boy, I have always worried that he would have to carry the burden of being two little boys in one. Don’t get me wrong, after losing Cohen I was totally desperate for another boy. My image of my family included that little boy and I needed that to survive. I always knew that another little boy wouldn’t replace my sweet Cohen but I still felt like God was going to bless me with another boy because he knew that is what I needed to move on.

After I had Tegan and he filled my heart and gave my healing process a jump start, I quickly realized that I placed all my love for him and for Cohen all on his shoulder. Even now, I have to remind myself that he is his own child. I honestly think it is just a survival thing but that doesn’t mean I don’t want for or miss loving on or watching Cohen grow.

Last night I walked in to the bathroom to check on Tegan in the bath. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him pop a marble out of his mouth. (Don’t judge, the kid likes to play with marbles in the bath tub) I got really serious with him and told him that it was very important that he not put a marble in his mouth because it could hurt him. Tegan being himself kept asking what would happen if he put the marble in his mouth. I told him it could go down his throat. Of course he wanted to know what would happen next. Knowing Tegan all too well and knowing that he would attempt to try it just to see what could happen; I very sternly said “You could die”. Again….save your judgments. He looks at me in the most serious way a 4 ½ year old could and says “is that what happened to my brother Cohen?” He always stops me in my tracks when he talks about Cohen in a way that would make you think he knew him personally. I quickly told him “No, Cohen went to heaven because God really wanted him there.” His response back to me hit me like a ton of bricks. He says, “You know there are two Tegans. There is Tegan who is Tegan and there is Cohen who is Tegan”. It took me a minute to process what he had just said. I was pretty speechless. I often wonder if Tegan feels the burden that I place on him to be my two boys in one. I guess if he does he is totally OK with it because he is doing an excellent job.

I am a firm believer that God finds a way to remind us of where we have come from to where we are now. I think last night was one of those reminders. It reminded me of the pain I once felt, the pain I still sometimes feel and the blessings and mercies that God has given me in Rylee and Tegan. I am focusing on my blessings today!


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Four Year Old Frustrations!

Tegan is now four and a half years old.  He has always been a very needy little boy.  From the day he was born, he needed way more than Rylee ever did.  I'm guessing that is how he has ended up so spoiled.  He has always had a way of making his mama very tired just by cutting his eyes and giving that "I'm about to do something I shouldn't" grin.  This week has proven that instead of growing up and maturing a little, we are apparently going backwards. 

He has no sense of what being patient means.  No matter how hard we have tried to teach him, he just doesn't get it.  On Sunday, he kept asking to do something.  I kept asking him to be patient and wait for his daddy to get home.  He kept on and on and on about it until I told him to forget it because he wasn't being patient, he couldn't do what he was wanting to do.  A little while later he was laying in the living room floor and suddenly yells out "But I don't even know what being patient means".  We couldn't help but bust out in laughter.  I explained to him what being patient means and he showed me what it looks like by sitting still and looking straight forward without talking for 10 seconds.  I think that was part of his comedy act. 

Unfortunately, he had some short term memory loss because by the next day he had no idea what it meant to be patient.  For the last four days he has pushed me to the bitter in.  From the second he has gotten home from school until the second his daddy walks in the door....thelongesttwohoursofmylife!!!  He has thrown fits worse than any terrible two fit that I have ever seen in my life.  Nothing makes him happy.  He wants what he wants right when he wants it and not a second later.  He thinks the recliner is his and Ry shouldn't go near it.  He thinks it is his TV time and Ry shouldn't dare turn it.  He wants a drink and snack now....right now!  If I tell him no, he melts.  If I ask him to do something, he is responding in a very ugly voice with the word NO!  He is falling to the floor kicking and screaming.  He runs off to his bedroom while screaming at the top of his lungs.  I have spanked him.  I have yelled at him.  I have even tried the whole the louder he gets the softer I talk thing.  I have gotten down on my knees to be on his level to try to talk to him.  NOT ONE THING WORKS!!! 

We had to turn the door knob around on his bedroom door some time ago b/c he kept accidentally locking himself in his room.  Today I hit the bitter end, graciously grabbed his arm, walked him to his room, locked his door and stood outside the door and cried while calling my husband on the phone.  I am just shocked at how he is acting. He has always been hard to handle but nothing like this.  He has needed a lot more guidance on what is right and wrong but usually can get control of himself.  Right now he is acting like he just can't control himself and has me in tears....literally! 

He stayed in his room until he stopped screaming and throwing his body against the bedroom wall and door.  I talked to him real softly through the door to explain what was happening.  I took his TV time away and his itouch.  I cried....yeap, I used that card on my four year old.  I cried and told him that he was hurting his mommy's heart really bad. 

I know he is tired.  School is tiring for a four year old but I am tired too and you don't see me falling to the floor kicking and screaming.  Rylee was so sweet and came to me after this whole two hour episode and told me that it is nothing that I am doing wrong because I am a wonderful mother.  She melts my heart! 

What is frustrating me more than anything is that the second his daddy walks in the door from work, it is like a switch flips in him and he becomes this calm little angel.  It is all made so much harder by the fact that I keep comparing him to Rylee.  This is the age that Rylee was when Tegan was born.  She was so independent.  She has always had good control over her emotions and has always been really mature acting.  I have never had to threaten her life when out in public for running off, acting crazy or throwing a fit.  In fact, I don't think I have ever seen Rylee through a true fit.  One thing is for sure, I am getting my fill of it now. 

Tegan and I have always had this very strong connection.  When he is upset, I am upset.  It takes every single thing I have in me to put him in his bedroom and not go scoop him up and hold him when he starts yelling "Mommy I need you so much".  While I love him so much, I need to keep my sanity and right now....I have no idea how to handle him!