Friday, January 9, 2009

Can I find my perfect peace????

It's a new year. Starting a new year to me has always meant looking ahead and getting to have a clean slate. But since Oct 2006, starting a new year seems to just make some things be further and further away when you don't really want them to. The past 2 months I have went backwards. I'm not sure the cause or maybe there hasn't been one but since I gave birth to Cohen I have always been able to put it to the side so to speak. I had two weeks to grieve the lose of my son and the future I had visioned for not only him but our family. Then Paul's dad died, then Paul needed me to support him through that, then we became pregnant again and that consumed my mind (and Paul still needed me), then we thought we were going to lose Tegan at only 20 weeks pregnancy and once again that took over any and all thinking in my brain (oh and Paul still needed me), then we had Tegan and at just 3 months of age I began to worry about him so I threw myself into being this advocate for my son. He needed all the right dr.'s and therapist and I was going to get that for him (did I mention that Paul's dad was his best friend and he still needed me). Now the cloud is lifting....We have our complete family, Tegan is doing so well that everything is basically normal with him (besides his eyes) at this point and most importantly Paul doesn't need me as much anymore. He has someway found his way back out of the dark cloud and has landed himself right in the bible. Me on the other hand has finally started to grieve a lose that I never got to fully submerge myself in. Yes I see my blessings....I see Rylee and Tegan for what they are...MY BLESSINGS! But I also hurt for what I should have had and what I don't have in my future. I guess in some ways I have lost a faith that once gave me peace and now gives me anger and questions. I'm looking for my way back to that calming feeling that God gave me those first few days after having him. Either it was a calm feeling or it was numbness....whatever it was I will take that over what I feel now any day. I remember laying there closing my eyes and praying that when I opened them it would be a year from that point. In a blink the days went by and almost two months before the one year birth/death day, I delivered Tegan. I couldn't have imagined going through that one year point without him. Tegan and Rylee have always been what saved me from slipping away but let's not think that by having another child I was able to wash away my pain from losing one. In fact, b/c I got pregnant again so soon I sometimes get confused and it is like I am expecting Tegan to be both Tegan and Cohen. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that I wasn't pregnant those 14 months with the same child the whole time. I know its been over two years and some people are thinking "Gosh move on already" but for me I feel like I need to stop and take my turn and go through the stages of grief that I never did. I mean, would you move on easily if this is what you had to do to see your child...

You will keep in PERFECT PEACE him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

I use to live by this verse....but now I've lost it! I catch myself snapping at the people I love. Even when sweet Rylee just says the word Mom (which is over and over again) instead of answering her I snap. Paul can just ask something very simple and somehow it turns in to something huge. I still have my patience with Tegan but with Paul and Rylee...not so much these days. I feel like I can't find my footing and I don't know where to begin. I catch myself wondering if he hurt or wondering what he feels. I had to make a decision that day and that decision was not coming home, being patient and praying over my child. Instead I needed it over and that is what I did. When they told us something major was going on with Tegan, I immediately began talking to God and making deals. But with Cohen....I felt helpless and like I couldn't think past that second much less pray for a better outcome. My mind knows that the outcome would have been the same...he had zero kidney function and I had no amniotic fluid with a possibility of giving myself an infection...nothing could be done. But my heart says that had I prayed hard enough, anything is possible. Recently some flowers have been taken from his grave. I was so angry by this b/c this is the one thing as a mother that I can do for him here on earth when the reality is that if someone needed them that bad...who cares. I need some peace not only for myself but for those around me. I don't want to wake up five years from now and still be sitting right here!!!

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