Sunday, April 18, 2010

Moving On does not mean letting go...

It's been a while since I have sat down and just cried about the lose of my son. Had he been born on his due date, we would have just recently celebrated his 3rd birthday. Instead we grieve/celebrate on October 4th every year for our son. Paul doesn't talk much about losing our son. I guess in some ways that is just how a man deals differently with talk all distraction. I get weak to my knees when for just a minute I close my eyes and let myself feel what I felt the day after I lost Cohen. The weight in my heart is the heaviest I have ever felt, my arms grow limp and literally ache and the future seems hopeless. I think about that little boy every single day of my life but I don't always let myself feel what my mind is thinking. Recently my husband had to write a paper for school about a few high and low points in his lifeline. He wrote a little about the day we had our son and I have to say that it helped heal a part of me because I have held some resentment toward him for not "talking, crying, screaming, hating and hurting" like I did. But as I read this paragraph about that day I realized that he was hurting for our son but he hurt more because he had to watch me. He wrote that he had to watch me lay there all day, waiting to give birth to a child that I knew was not going to survive and that was very hard for him. I always knew that he was my rock but I never realized that he felt like he had to be in that position. I have moved forward in life and when you lose a child like I did moving forward and having time just keep going is hard b/c the faster time goes by the further away I feel from that precious baby. Recently I have came to terms with time flying and realize that I have no fear of my future...except maybe leaving the two earthly children that I have behind but I have something to look forward to that not everyone gets. One day I will die just like you will die and when I enter through heaven's gates I will have this perfect, whole, healthy and beautiful child waiting for me with my heart in his hands.

I know you have all seen the youtube videos that churches have out there where members of the church walk up on the stage in front of their very own congregation and without fear they hold up a sign that says one thing on one side and then they flip it over to show how God is working in their lives. My sign would read
Front side: I buried my infant son.
Back Side: God works on my heart EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I'm not perfect and sometimes my bitterness gets the best of me but I have placed myself in HIS hands!
Tonight there is another family that shares this heavy heart with me. There are many out there and although it seems that the Lord is taking babies away from some of his most faithful people our hurts still hurt, no matter what we say or how much we learn to laugh again we will never be whole on earth again. Please stop by and visit, leave encouraging words and say a prayer or ten for this FAMILY ....they are faithful but that doesn't exempt them from pain.

1 comment:

  1. Tabatha, I want you to know as I was reading this I couldn't help but cry. I have never sat down and read anything like this. The thing's you write just amaze me. && The story's about your kids are just to funny.