Thursday, May 20, 2010

A letter to you...

I will soon be 30 years old. I can hear you..."that is still so young" "30 is the new 21"...wait, you weren't saying that oh well:) In my very short and very fast moving life I think that I have experienced a lot, maybe more than the majority of soon to be 30 year olds (I still have a few weeks left in my 20s). It has been great, bad, up, down, heartbreaking, heart filling, fun, ugly, beautiful but most importantly it has been my LIFE. Lately things are happening around me and I have been having a hard time accepting the changes and the bads of those whom I call family. One "family" member in particular has let me down and disappointed me beyond what I ever thought they could. I have a hard time looking at this person therefore I avoid being near this person which in turn separates me from a huge part of my family (mother, siblings, etc.). Almost two months ago I quickly left my nephews birthday party when this person arrived b/c I just could not stomach them. When we were driving down the road my daughter and I were talking about why we left so quickly and she finally just said "well, if you don't want to talk to them and he doesn't try to talk to you then maybe you should just write a letter". For two months I have thought that comment was easier said than done. I have cried at the disconnection and wedge this has placed between me and other family members. I have felt uncared for and very unloved. But then there is my husband in my ear telling me I am loved and I am cared for and I need not look much further than my own house to feel that way.

Recently I had children's church one Sunday so I had to miss the sermon. Paul had wrote on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to me after church and it reads "The key to our salvation is the ability to forgive others". I took that and stuck it on my bathroom mirror so I could see it daily. Then I asked Paul how I should go about doing that. He explained that forgiveness is in my heart. I don't have to forget but I have to find a way to stop holding on and just forgive. So I took his advice and here you go.....I love my mom so therefore I have to accept you. You were once someone I looked up to and someone I depended on but I can't feel that way least not right now. What I can do is say that I don't wish you any harm. What you did hurt ALL of us but your willingness to walk away from everyone without so much as a phone call....that is where my anger has lied. But not anymore. I don't care and I won't hold on to it. I was bitter for to long after I lost my son and I refuse to be bitter anymore. You are not and probably never will be the same person to me that you once were but I can forgive you. I can let go and move on. I don't hate you. I want you to learn from your mistakes and prove that you are better than your track record leads us to believe. I want you to REALLY BE the person that you are when you are around your family. Life is short and I won't let this affect me any more because after all, this is MY LIFE so I forgive you.

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