Sharp Knife of a Short Life...

Tonight at around 10:30 pm will mark exactly four years since the day that I delivered my son straight in to the arms of our creator. Devastating....on my bad days but life changing on my good days.

It's been four years since I held his tiny lifeless body and I can still feel him, smell him and envision every inch of his tiny little body. His short life has been my sharp knife. Overcoming something like this has nothing to do with letting go or moving on but more like accepting it and not letting it be in vain. If I lived the rest of my life miserable b/c of the cards that the good Lord dealt me then I would be doing a huge injustice to my son. Cohen Minish's short life has taught me more than any other life experience that I have ever had.

Recently Rylee put some perspective on things for me. We were in the car and I was complaining saying something to Paul about how I couldn't do something b/c I am the mother of two children. Rylee's sweet little voice comes from the back seat and said "mom, you have three children....there are THREE of us!" When I got pregnant with Tegan and people would ask if I had other children, I always made a point to say "Yes, I have two other children" and if they asked for ages then I would not only tell them about Rylee but about my little boy in heaven. But at some point I stopped doing that. I have no idea when and I'm not even sure that I noticed it but it hit me like a ton of bricks when Rylee said that in the car. I DO HAVE THREE CHILDREN!!! I love them all with all my heart. I look forward to life here on earth with my living children and yet I get to look forward to death when I will reunite with my precious baby boy.
The little boy that God choose to bless me with has taught me about sacrifice. He has also taught me about heartbreak, grieving, healing, loving and forgiving. His life has showed me that what I thought mattered doesn't really matter at all and the things that do matter need more of my time and attention. Kindness...that is a huge one. People showed me kindness after losing Cohen. They prayed for me and dealt with me during my grief. So I try to show kindness to others b/c you never know what they are dealing with that you can't see on the surface. Yes I had Cohen and my body healed quickly but my heart is still a work in progress. I have lots more good days but I do have heavy hard days.

We all experience the sharp knife of a short life at some point in life...mine just happens to be my son. I love this song below where she says "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, She'll know I'm safe with you she stands under my colors." I look for signs everywhere and I am blessed to have the Lord give me those little pieces of comfort.
Today is a day that I celebrate and grieve. I will continue to do this for all the days of my life. I love my children...ALL THREE OF THEM!!