Thursday, July 1, 2010

Confusion of a Negative Nancy

I've been having some mixed emotions basically since Tegan was born. I have been happy, then sad, happy, then get the picture.
I love my kids with all my heart. I always tell people that Rylee was(is) my reason for living after losing our son and Tegan was(is) my saving grace. We got pregnant with Tegan within 2 months of giving birth to and burying Cohen. It was quick I know but I was sure those people in the "Experiencing Pregnancy After A Loss" book had no idea what they were talking about when they said you need to wait at least a year before getting pregnant. So we moved forward, got pregnant, almost lost him, had him, he stayed in the NICU, came home healthy, started having developmental delays, noticed his eyes scanning, he was diagnosed with Nystagmus, started physical and occupational therapy, caught up, grew like a weed, and all the while I have loved that boy and his sister with all my heart. Recently some friends asked me about the confusion factor...let me explain this. When getting pregnant quickly after giving birth to a son that didn't make it, the best case scenario for me was to have another boy but according to the "books" the best case scenario was for me to have a girl. I'm confused. I mean I think of my son Cohen EVERY.SINGLE.DAY but some days I get confused and have allowed Tegan to replace him. Sometimes I forget that Cohen and Tegan are not the same kid. I know this sounds strange but it is very very easy to do. I talk about everything I went through to get Tegan here but I'm not just thinking about the bed rest, cerclage and c-section but yet about the broken heart I had to endure to get to Tegan. I appreciate every day that the good Lord saw fit to give me all three of my children but that doesn't stop this little man from really pushing my limits...

He is without a doubt a difficult little man that can look at you with a look that will melt your heart. At one point during an extremely hard day today I found myself is this boy that prayed for, begged and pleaded for, that I had to lose a son to get and yet I am complaining about him. I'm human, so when this kid takes off running through a parking lot or falls on the floor screaming in public b/c he doesn't get his way, it affects me like it would any mother. He test me just like the big man above has tested me. Yes I have my mommy complaints more so about Tegan than Rylee (that could be b/c Rylee has always been an angel) but that will never ever mean that I don't appreciate this little man. I appreciate that he loves me and the connection I have with him but that doesn't mean that he is well fact I just want to collapse when he goes to bed at night. But the good thing is that even though my heart will never be complete without Cohen, at least I am collapsing in a home with two healthy and happy children. So no matter how difficult he is....he rocks my world.
The awesome thing about being a believer is that tomorrow is a new day. I can wake up tomorrow and God can show me great things. I can pray that this precious and extremely energetic boy finds some calmness or else his mommy finds some energy. I can also praise God for the blessings of my children. I can choose to handle Tegan without complaint and with faith. Do not ever mistake my complaints for being unappreciative. I am a real person. A person who loves her children, her husband and her life but also has bad days and parenting issues. I'm almost certain I can teach this child to be obedient but just in least he listens to his dad:)

"The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness." Psalm 25:10 (new living translation)

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