This is just the first post of what will be many as I lead up to Cohen's birthday this year. I have yet to experience some deaths such as losing a parent or sibling (I hope it is a long time before I do) but I know what it is like to lose a grandparent, father-in-law, aunt and cousin. Although those deaths were all hard to deal with, so far nothing has compared to burying my baby. As I am walking through some things the past three weeks I have realized that not many people understand nor do they ever hope to understand what it is like to bury a baby. So tonight I want to give you a glimpse. Just a tiny taste of the immediate reality of a mother of an angel.
Imagine your heart being taken straight from your chest and put in the ground. The wind is knocked out of you over and over again as you beg for mercy to make it stop. The emptiness is unreal. There is a void there that you fear will forever be part of you. You ache...physically ache to the core. Your arms hurt and long to cling to an infant. You are given a blessing and a curse in this baby daily. You crave him/her. Just one more look at their precious face might get you through but there is no possibility of that. If you are lucky enough to get pictures, those are all you will ever have and they become your greatest treasure. Every single day hurts...even 5 years later. Time keeps going while you stand stuck in quick sand that is so unforgiving. You may think you are having a good day but then something can take you right back to it in a very raw way. Keeping up everyday only happens if you have to. Going out in public takes courage that you have lost. You fear that if someone catches you laughing they may think you are ok. You are not ok.
What most people don't know is that while you are planning the burial of your baby, Mother Nature doesn't cut you any slack. The sight of blood is just a reminder. Your body produces milk as if it is preparing to feed a healthy and alive baby. You have to let your body heal when all you want to do is find a way to make time fly. You can't sleep. Eating isn't at the top of your desire list. Hormones....oh the hormones. Possibly the cruelest of all is that feeling in your stomach...it happens most when you lay down at night. You could swear you just felt your baby move. There it is again and for just a minute you let yourself believe that your baby is still safely tucked away in your belly. This feeling can last several months as things in your body try to go back to normal.
You are peaceful. You are sad. You are angry. The angry stage last a long time. I don't mean that you are just angry at the situation but you become angry that time goes on for everyone else and they are back to life as usual within days while you are left behind broken. You are angry that people don't mention your baby as if he never lived. You are angry that people think you are just ok. The anger last a really long time. Then you go in to survival mode. Then you begin to work backwards through the grief. More anger. More sadness. And at some point you find your peace. Does finding peace mean you aren't sad....no!
Hard to read....I pray you never ever have to live it!!! Once you feel it, it doesn't take much to take you back to it. You can never make someone understand these feelings, like really feel them, unless they have lost their own baby. You are forever incomplete!!!