Seriously...

Yes I just said that and these days I am saying that more and more. People around me are going crazy and I am figuring out that nothing is ever as it seems. There are people with double and sometimes triple lives all around me. I can't process it and I am trying to figure out a way to not just decide to hate everyone I come in contact with. It seems like everything is changing and nothing is the same anymore...except inside my own house or at least I think everything is OK or the same inside my own house but who the heck knows these days.

On a different note there was a moment where my arm had a small but very painful accident with a doorknob (of all things) that has resulted in me being positive that my arm is broken. Although my teacher (aka Dr. teacher) says he didn't think it is broke, I'm not convinced. It hurts...it really really hurts and my hand keeps getting puffy. But for three days we don't have insurance so I have just had to dealt with the pain while waiting for our new insurance to pick up!

OK...my Grey's Anatomy Seriously moment is over. Thanks for listening:)

The Other Side

Things have been changing in my mind and heart a lot lately. There have been some positive changes and some feelings of God changing me. There are so many different things going on in my life right now...kids, husband, friends, house, food, school, myself, sewing, photography, church, family, family drama...just to name a few. I am very guilty of getting overwhelmed and taking out my frustrations on others who may not have a clue what my day, week or month has been like. For Example...the lady at the grocery store checking me out and taking her time doing so, has no idea that I have just spent an hour in the grocery store fighting a kid who likes to through public tantrums and has to pee but refuses to use a public restroom all while forgetting something I needed that was all the way on the other side of the store. So excuse me if your chipper and very very slow motions are not exactly thrilling me! I digress...sorry! Anyways, my point is that we don't always think to see the other side of other's. We think they are being rude when really they are having a bad day. We think that they are not well off b/c they don't drive a nice car when really they are choosing to live simple. We think that they must be horrible parents b/c their child has on a pink top with red pants and flip flops that are to small for them when really they are letting their child explore doing things on their own. Judging is a part of us, a part of me and a part of human nature. But recently when I have went to have a judging thought about what is usually a total stranger, something different happens. It seems to be happening atleast once a day and feels a little like someone literally knocking me in the back of the head. Now it could just be a brain tumor but I'm pretty sure it is just God smacking me around a little and tell me to step away from the judgemental thought. The other day I was sitting in my class at school. On lab day I set at the end of the table where I can see all the way down a really long hall. From a distance I saw this girl come up the hall. She was a large girl and I could tell that her shirt was no where near long enough to cover her stomach. My first judgemental thought was to think what on earth was going through that girls head when she got dressed this morning...does she not own a mirror?? But then as she got closer I could see that she was pregnant, VERY pregnant. She is in the duck walking phase of her pregnancy...that's not a judgement, I've duck walked a few times in my day:) About the time I realized she was pregnant, BAM..something knocks me in the head and says she may be huge pregnant, uncomfortable, not able to afford clothes that fit, not dressed the way I would dress before leaving the house but here she was showing up for her college class in hopes to better herself! She could have choose to leave school behind her when she found out she was pregnant or even that morning when she was getting ready and felt so uncomfortable that she couldn't breath but yet she was at school that day...making it through another day.
I guess you can say that the smacks in the back of the head have been "walk a mile in their shoes" moments. No one person does things like the other but yet we all judge b/c shouldn't everyone do things like I do? We find the bad and never even think there could be good or there could be tragedy in that person's life. I remember after I lost Cohen, I was ill all the time. Short fused would be a proper word. I was not cheerful or pleasant and wanted to slap those around me that could laugh and smile during a time like this...even those that didn't know me or have a clue of my situation. I just buried my infant son, HOW DARE THEY LAUGH!!! I truly believed I would never ever laugh or enjoy my life again but that was my path and thank you LORD that he had a different path laid ahead for me. I remember wanting to buy a tshirt saying "I just buried my infant son so please don't smile at me". Today I want a tshirt that says "I have a son waiting on me in Heaven with the Lord...what do you have to look forward to". This is not suppose to be about Cohen but sometimes it is just about Cohen. Anyways my point is this...STOP JUDGING, BLAMING, and NOT BELIEVING IN THE GOOD IN PEOPLE! Every time you see some kid dressed all crazy and you start to assume she must be poor b/c her parent's can't afford clothes that match...stop and think about how she must be creative and have an eye for color. The next time you go to judge b/c someone doesn't live in a house as nice as yours, stop to think about how much they pay for that house every month and how much more you pay for your super nice house. You just never know what is on the other side of a person or situation!

She's Down 90 POUNDS!!!

So after nearly threatening my sister to death, I was finally able to get her story about weight loss. What a perfect time to post her story and pictures of her than to celebrate her 90 pound weight loss! Both of my sisters are doing the same sorts of things to lose weight and both are looking good (I might need to lay off the zebra cakes:) . So I will let Melissa tell you in her own words about what has gotten her through it to get to it! The floor is all yours Meme....

I have always been over weight for as long as I can remember. I always thought that was the way I was just meant to be and I had to accept it, but now I know that is not the way it has to be. I went to Meadows surgical arts (in Commerce) on Nov. 19, 2009. I had decided I had, had enough. I was tired of being fat, tired of feeling bad all the time, I was miserable and I was the only one that could change it. This time was so different from any other time I have ever tried to lose weight. This time I think I found the secret to a successful weight loss. The 1st and most important thing was I had my head and my heart in the same place, I was ready and I meant that nothing was not going to stop me. So when I went to the Dr. they put me on an appetite suppressant called Adipex and an injection call Lipo B12. They told me to eat 1200 calories and walk or do some kind of exercise for 35 min. a day. I started walking or doing 30 min of step aerobics on the wii fit, counting my calories, I eat three 400 calorie meals a day and I do not eat anything after 7:00pm. I drink lots and lots of water all day long and only water, which was not really that hard because I only drank water to start with anyway. When I went back after a week to be weighed and get my Lipo B12 injection I had lost 7 lbs. I was so excited. I decided I thought I could do more when it come to my workouts, so I went to target and got 3 biggest loser DVD’s The Cardio Max, Power Sculpt and Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and some small 2lb hand weights. I started out doing level 1 on each DVD, one in the morning and one at night. While still doing the step aerobics on the wii fit and walking up and down my driveway. Every 6 weeks I would add another level on the DVD’s. I was going to the doctor every Wed. to get weighed and get the B12 injection, the weight was just falling off. I could not believe I was really actually doing this. Then at the end of Dec. here comes the bump in the road. Something happened that was very devastating to me in my family life. I just knew this was going to be it for me because anyone who has ever had a weight problem knows when you are sad the only thing you want to do is eat. But I found something inside of me that was NOT going to let this happen, something I never knew I had…DETERMINATION. Where did this come from, how in all of my 32 years have I not ever seen this inside of me. But there it was and I was not turning it away. I stepped it up a notch and I started doing 50 min. of cardio, 45 min. of strength training, a hour of step aerobics everyday and at night in the dark I would go outside and walk up and down my driveway with it 20 degrees outside and would cry through every bit of it. I would come in with tears frozen on my face from the cold. But after a few weeks I got over that bump, which by the way never slowed down my weight loss. I breezed right on through Feb. and the first part of March with a good weight loss every week. Then it happened again, except this was not just a bump in the road, here come a mountain to climb. On Monday March 15, 2010 I got a phone call at 12:00 midnight saying that something had happened to Heather, my best friend of 20 years. I thought surely it was nothing to bad I had talked to her on the phone that evening for more than an hour and she was just fine. So I called Heather's sister to see what was going on. Heather had, had a brain aneurysm. I was so broken hearted I did not know what to do with myself. How could this happen, she is my age. The next day the doctor give her and her husband their options for surgery while still not making us any promises that she was even going to make it through this. Her daughter was staying with me and my husband; I am her daughter's everyday babysitter. I have been keeping her since she was 6 weeks old, 10 hours a day, 5 days a week and she will soon be 4 years old in a few weeks. On March 17th Heather had brain surgery to clamp off the aneurysm. She came through the surgery great. A few days after the surgery she had a mild stroke, but she was improving every day. She was in NICU for 2 1/2 weeks then moved down to the rehab floor and was there for another 2 weeks. During this whole time Heather was in the hospital I was still eating right and trying to exercise like I had been doing for months but it was very hard. Her daughter was staying with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week and I loved that she was there with me but to go from a baby sitter to around the clock care was not as easy as I thought it would be. The whole 5 weeks Heather was in the hospital I did not lose over 1 lb 6 oz a week and this had become very upsetting to me. The stress had taken over my body and would not allow it to move any further. After Heather had been home from the hospital for a week when I went and weighed I had lost 3 lbs and that is great for 1 week, I was very happy with that. The next week when I went to get weighed I had lost 10 lbs.OMG, 10 lbs from Wed. to Wed. and now that makes 83 lbs. I never in a million years ever could have dreamed that I could do this. This for me is not a diet; it has been a life style change. I never want to go back to the way I was before. I feel better than ever. I started out in a size 22 jeans and today I went into a dressing room and put on a size 10, buttoned them up and turned to look in the mirror and there stood a new person in front of me. All I could do was cry. This was the person I have always wanted to be. I know people say it is not what is on the outside it is what is on the inside, but when you live your whole life being overweight and then you see this new person that has always wanted to come out looking back at you it is such an emotional experience.

There you have it guys...if that isn't encouragement to get up and get going then I don't know what is. You don't have to have a whole lot of weight to lose for this to help you. Small changes can make a huge difference in your life. So just to send a little more encouragement your way, here is a before and after picture and she claims she isn't done yet...although I thinks she looks great and maintaining should be her priority at this point but she doesn't listen to me:)

These are pictures of her with her husband that I took back around Thanksgiving this past year.

And here she is as of this past weekend! We are all very proud of you Meme (that's what all the kids call her)!

If you have a story that you would like to share on my page please leave a comment with your contact! Encouraging others is what it is all about!

Top That...

Mother's Day was a great and busy day! Rylee cooked me eggs for breakfast, we went to church, had lunch at my mother-in-laws, visited the cemetery, went out to eat with my whole family and came home to some outside play time to end the day. It really was a wonderful day.
But the presents were the best. Lots of homemade cards and pictures from Rylee. Then there was the necklace. I have been looking at necklaces like these online for months now so when I met a sweet lady at a kids bday party recently and found out that she made them...I had to have one! I gave her an idea of what I wanted and she worked her magic. It means soooo much to me to have this necklace with ALL three children on it. There are three small pearls hanging in the middle to represent each child. I love it love it love it! I don't think that I will ever get a gift that has as much meaning as this necklace does. I plan to wear it everyday and show it off every chance I get. Lannae is an amazing woman who knew how special this was going to be for me. She does so many different types of necklace and one day I want to get one of her family tree necklaces....I love those too. I actually couldn't decide between this one and that one. You can check her out on facebook by clicking HERE! Or check out her blog http://www.lannaejohnson.blogspot.com/

Now for the best Mother's Day gift EVER.... To have Cohen's name included on this means so much to me. Not many people mention him or even realize that my son was ever "real" b/c of his brief time in this world but I feel him with me everyday and now I can honor him right along with my other children.

The meaning of Mother's Day...

from my point of view. I like to be catered to just look anyone else but as all of use mother's know...a mommy's job is never done! Mother's day to me is a day to get a pat on the back telling me a job well done but not a day of rest. I don't get to lay around in peace and quiet watching movies, eating chocolate all day and nor do I want to. I want to be with my kids, mothering them and see my mom, being mothered myself. I know that my kids appreciate me and all that I do for them but I don't need breakfast in bed to tell me that...although I think last year they brought me cereal in bed:) I don't look for a free pass and when my son has a dirty diaper, even though I look at my husband and say"that one is yours, its mother's day", I always end up changing him!

Some people think they shouldn't have to do anything on Mother's day and they claim it "worship insert name here" day but unless your mother is dead....you don't get a true Mother's day! It's up to us as children (even though we are mother's) to step up and plan the perfect day for our moms. I definitely wouldn't trade my Mom for one day a year of "worship me day".

I love my mom dearly and think that she is a very strong, tough and totally stubborn woman. She raised five kids and did a great job with us. So tomorrow I will wake up, change a diaper, fix breakfast, get ready for church, celebrate my husband's mom and then celebrate my mom. No where in there do I plan to celebrate myself....I'll leave that part to my kids!!!

Nurturing Her

This is my daughter...
She is sweet, sassy, smart and social but the thing to remember about her is that she is only SEVEN! She is a well rounded little lady and doesn't meet a stranger but don't worry, if you are a stranger it won't be that way for long. In fact, sometimes she will tell you things that will make her mommy a little red in the face. She has a lot of energy and this creative mind that totally reminds me of Me as a child....heck, it reminds me of Me now! She doesn't get nervous. She can stand up in front of any amount of people, sing a song and wonder what the big deal is about. She gets her feelings hurt easy but is the most resilient person I have ever met in my life. She may be upset about something one second but is just fine the next.

Something that I have been working on lately is nurturing her. There are those times that I just want a little peace and quiet when Tegan is napping or in bed...those are the times she can't seem to stop talking. I am learning to let her talk and to hear her ideas about whatever her little mind comes up with. I have started to think that by telling her to calm down and stop talking so much, we are pushing her down or crushing her spirit.

This leads me to my real reason for this post. Last year my daughter had this amazing teacher at school. Actually her and her para pro were both great and they nurtured her and knew exactly how to handle a kid with as much energy and ideas as she has. This year....we haven't been nearly as lucky. Don't get me wrong, her teacher seems like this really cool and awesome person but recently Rylee has been getting in to trouble EVERY SINGLE DAY at school. I know that at least 50% of the time she probably is doing something to get in to trouble and up until today we have been punishing her over and over again by taking away privileges and making her do chores. But today was different, I sat down and talked to her and she talked about how if someone else is talking to or with her she is the only one to get in to trouble. She feels that she is a target and she says that her teacher never lets her explain what is going on and if she does let her, she tells Rylee that she is telling a lie and she is in trouble all over again. At first I was furious at Rylee when I heard that she had told her teacher a lie or two but then as I started to pay more attention and probe her for more answers I find out that she maybe isn't even getting to tell her side of the story but yet someone is telling my SEVEN year old daughter that she is a liar. I know being a teacher can be frustrating but isn't part of the job to nurture a child and to be that teacher that you hope they will think back on and talk about how that teacher inspired them?? My husband always says that a child will become what you tell them they are so thank you her first grade teacher for telling her that she is a liar.

Needless to say, we will be thrilled when this school year ends in 2 1/2 very long weeks and next year I promise to listen to Rylee when she tries to tell us that maybe it isn't all her. I won't be the one that crushes her spirit but be the one that advocates for her .

Reasons I might die...

Have you ever noticed that when something bad happens in someones life (divorce, car wreck, anything at all) that rumors start to fly. I just can't help but think about how every time someone that we "know of" has a car accident, the rumors start to soar about all the things they could have been doing wrong. This disturbs me most b/c if the person dies in the accident, how can they defend themselves. I know this sounds a little morbid but I am just as guilty as the next person about spreading the rumors of who might of been on drugs while driving their car and having an accident that killed them or someone else. And of course there is always the 20/20 specials where the wife is killed and the husband is the prime suspect in the case. My hubby hates those shows but I can't get enough. So here it is guys, reasons I might die or things that will never be the reason that I die:

1. French Fries! (enough said) Oh and maybe Little Debbie zebra cakes:)
2. If I ever die in my sleep, it isn't my husband's fault...even if it is! See, he sleep walks....A LOT! In fact I have made sure to remove any items near the bed that could be used as weapons to harm me:) So if he does it, he didn't mean to (at least I don't think so).
3. Stress! Since I stress about every little tiny thing possible (which I am working on doing better at), I'm pretty sure it will be the death of me.
4. Sometimes at night when I lay down my heart beats funny and I can't breath very good. Be sure to tell someone that if something happens to me:(
5. Lack of sleep!
6. If it is a wreck, it is surely caused by my kids fighting in the back seat and me trying to make them stop. But don't blame them...its just what kids do!
7. I may talk on my cell phone while driving but I am not one of those people that will freak out and look away from the road to find my phone in my purse when it rings. Just ask my husband, 3 out of 5 times I won't answer my phone.
8. HEADACHES! Some days I am pretty sure I have something strange (besides my brain) growing in my head. It hurts... A LOT! But I guess that could be added to the stress thing.

Reasons I will never die...
1. I do not drink, I do not do any form of drugs (unless you count a daily dose of three Tylenol a day, twice a day), I don't even smoke cigarettes...I think you see where I am going with this.
2. I don't text good when sitting on my living room couch so I definitely don't do it while driving.
3. A sickness that you get from everyday germs. I wash my hands way to much for that.
4. Driving crazy....I think my husband may disagree with this one.
5. Over exertion while cleaning my house....not gonna happen!

There you have it. I don't plan to die anytime soon but if I do, you can rule out all of the above!