Monday, September 24, 2012

The Seasons of Life

This time of year is my favorite season but it is also a bad time of year for me.  Most of you know why but in case you don’t, we are fast approaching Cohen’s birth/angel day.  But the past couple of months have brought along with it a nagging and borderline depressed feeling that I just can’t overcome.  I have felt withdrawn and just different.  I am wanting to move at a much faster pace that God or even life is not willing to allow me.  I want what I want and I want it now…..don’t we all. 

I am 32 years old (I seriously had to think about my age).  Now I know that isn’t old but I feel like the early to mid 30’s is that point in your life…you know, the one where you have most everything figured out.  I know that isn’t true and it isn’t the case for everybody but in my mind, that is the way I thought it would be.  There are thoughts of a different home, career, faith and just life in general that have been swirling in my head lately.  I have realized more and more lately that the “family picture” I have had in my head for most of my adult life, isn’t complete but my husband’s “family picture” is complete.  I have a pull toward adoption.  My husband does not.  I am slightly uncomfortable in our new to us home.  My husband is content b/c he grew up here.  I am uneasy that my two kids are growing at a rapid pace.  My husband says it is part of life.   I want to do something.  What that something is, I have no idea! 

I have withdrawn a lot lately.  Withdrawn from friends and family.  It is very easy to do without anyone noticing b/c when you work from home and aren’t forced to be around others…who notices.  I feel very distant and feel like I need to refocus. 

Crying…I have been crying.  Of course it doesn’t help that I have been following the journey of Ty(if you read his mom’s blog, have a Kleenex) as his mom is an open book while navigating a territory that I hope I never ever have to venture in to.  I mean I can’t even think of this boy that I don’t even know without crying.  Every time I see that she has updated the blog, I start crying before it even pulls up on my screen.  I don’t think this is normal for me to feel this way.  I should settle for what I got and feel content that these precious kids that I have are healthy and happy and well provided for.  I should just be OK. 

I have had a hard time accepting that I am leaving the phase of footie pajamas and trading them in for half-grown children.  I have not adjusted well to moving which is insane b/c we literally moved across the yard.  It doesn’t feel like mine and it doesn’t feel permanent.  I am so ready for permanent.  My business does well and keeps me busy but I envision it a different way but I am to stuck in my own thoughts to make that vision come to life. 

I am tired and exhausted 90% of the time and I guess it is totally safe to say that I am feeling lost.   Oh and it is a Monday…a for real true Monday!   


  1. I'm so glad we connected on Facebook and that I learned about your blog. I really enjoy the honesty in your posts! I can relate to how isolating it can be to work from home. All of my coworkers are hundreds of miles away, and since we've just moved to a new city, I haven't really met anyone here. And I definitely get what you're saying about things not feeling permanent. I think I've felt that way since I left home after college. I knew Birmingham wasn't permanent—same for Gainesville, FL, and Shreveport, LA, and now Columbus. I am so ready to be settled, and hopefully that will be closer to my family. I'll be praying for us both to embrace this stage in our life and that God will lead us in His time to the home, career and family that we are meant to have.

  2. Please hang in there my sweet friend. God does have a plan but we all have to be patient and let Him take us on this ride that we call life. You know I'm here always! Love you

  3. Please hang in there my sweet friend. God does have a plan but we all have to be patient and let Him take us on this ride that we call life. You know I'm here always! Love you

  4. Believe me you are not alone going through these feelings!! Lately I feel like I have gone completely insane and could snap at any minute. I know I stay stressed out so I'm sure that's most of it but I feel like things just aren't the way I wanted them to be. Just hang in there and have faith that HE has a bigger plan (that's what I'm trying to do) :)