This time of year is my favorite season but it is also a bad time of year for me. Most of you know why but in case you don’t, we are fast approaching Cohen’s birth/angel day. But the past couple of months have brought along with it a nagging and borderline depressed feeling that I just can’t overcome. I have felt withdrawn and just different. I am wanting to move at a much faster pace that God or even life is not willing to allow me. I want what I want and I want it now…..don’t we all.
I am 32 years old (I seriously had to think about my age). Now I know that isn’t old but I feel like the early to mid 30’s is that point in your life…you know, the one where you have most everything figured out. I know that isn’t true and it isn’t the case for everybody but in my mind, that is the way I thought it would be. There are thoughts of a different home, career, faith and just life in general that have been swirling in my head lately. I have realized more and more lately that the “family picture” I have had in my head for most of my adult life, isn’t complete but my husband’s “family picture” is complete. I have a pull toward adoption. My husband does not. I am slightly uncomfortable in our new to us home. My husband is content b/c he grew up here. I am uneasy that my two kids are growing at a rapid pace. My husband says it is part of life. I want to do something. What that something is, I have no idea!
I have withdrawn a lot lately. Withdrawn from friends and family. It is very easy to do without anyone noticing b/c when you work from home and aren’t forced to be around others…who notices. I feel very distant and feel like I need to refocus.
Crying…I have been crying. Of course it doesn’t help that I have been following the journey of Ty(if you read his mom’s blog, have a Kleenex) as his mom is an open book while navigating a territory that I hope I never ever have to venture in to. I mean I can’t even think of this boy that I don’t even know without crying. Every time I see that she has updated the blog, I start crying before it even pulls up on my screen. I don’t think this is normal for me to feel this way. I should settle for what I got and feel content that these precious kids that I have are healthy and happy and well provided for. I should just be OK.
I have had a hard time accepting that I am leaving the phase of footie pajamas and trading them in for half-grown children. I have not adjusted well to moving which is insane b/c we literally moved across the yard. It doesn’t feel like mine and it doesn’t feel permanent. I am so ready for permanent. My business does well and keeps me busy but I envision it a different way but I am to stuck in my own thoughts to make that vision come to life.
I am tired and exhausted 90% of the time and I guess it is totally safe to say that I am feeling lost. Oh and it is a Monday…a for real true Monday!