Well 2007 is finally coming to a close. Boy has it been a long year for us, as 2006 was. The past two years of our lives have become somewhat of a blurr but yet my heart still feels every second of it. I still feel every second of being pregnant with Cohen, every second of being induced and delivering a son whom I knew his heart would stop beating only seconds later, I still feel every second of Paul's dads (Horace) sickness, death and grief that Paul and his family have felt, myself included. But what mostly pops into my mind for the past two years is feeling every second of fear when in the first week of January last year I found out I was pregnant again just three months after sending Cohen to heaven. Then it began, one doctors appointment after another not only with my ob/gyn but with a specialist that would be constantly looking for any signs of the problems that Cohen had. Every time I had a ultrasound fear would come over me and I would feel sick to my stomach. We were already five months in and had been cleared of everything that was wrong with Cohen and had been told that we were once again having a boy. Then came a five month and one day ultrasound just to check size and I made a random comment to the tech that I felt like he was falling out of me. The tech actually listened to me and checked my cervix and the next thing I knew I was in the hospital. I was put on strict bed rest that didn't work and 5 days later was being rushed in to surgery to have a stitch put in. I had a hopeless feeling right up to the second before going to sleep. I went to sleep praying for good results and I got them. The next 17 weeks of pregnancy were hard on me both physically and emotionally. I blocked my heart off from my precious boy for a certain amount of time until I got to a safe point with him. At one point the goal was for me to carry him for 26 weeks but I made it (hot summer and all) to 37 weeks. The first moment I heard him cry was the most unreal thing I could have ever imagined. I instantly let my guard down, started to really love him and, of course, I started crying. He was in the NICU for 5 days but came home healthy on his sixth day of life.
Then I began to feel again....I felt every blessing (and still do) of every cry, every middle of the night feeding, every dirty diaper and so on. Tegan Horace Minish, named for his late grandfather, has been my saving grace. My heart still hurts for Cohen and sometimes I lapse back into the sadness b/c one child does not replace another but I can't help but thinking that had Cohen lived....would I have ever gotten Tegan?
We have been dealing with new battles the past few months and at first I felt hopeless but now my mind, body and heart feel optimistic and hopeful....something I never thought I would feel again. I am excited for the new year. For my clean slate to begin. I am excited to be a better mother to Rylee than I have physically and emotionally been able to do the past two years.
I want to share with you two bible verses that help me daily. Right after losing Cohen and Horace I wrote out this verse and taped it up on my bathroom mirror. Everyday I am forced to read it and even during hard times I have thrown it back up to God:
His plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
Over the past two years I have been trying to understand and truly feel the next verse. I'm not there yet....I don't have my perfect peace yet, but I work toward it everyday:
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock Eternal.
Isaiah 26: 3-4
Here's to all of you and myself finding PERFECT PEACE in 2008! Count your blessings now before they are gone!