This Haunted House Needs The Long Island Medium

OK....I don't know if I believe in Ghost or not.  I probably shouldn't given my religious beliefs but I do believe that there are spirits around.  I have wrote before about how I will be laying in bed at night with insomnia and hear the voice of one of my kids (they sound exactly the same) whispering "Mama".  I will be wide awake and sit straight up in bed thinking one of my kids is walking in the room and about to get sick or something but nobody is there.  I get up and run to their rooms but they are both knocked out.  After this happened a few times, it didn't spook me anymore b/c I started to believe that it was the voice of Cohen and God's precious gift to me.  I use to hear it two or three times a month but since we moved in July, I haven't heard it at all and it makes me really sad.

This house we recently moved in to is the childhood home of my husband.  He lived in this house since he was to young to remember.  The morning that his dad died six years ago, he died in this house.  I never really thought about it before we lived here but now it just feels off to me.  I have felt really uneasy living in this house and that is something I didn't expect or prepare for.  While I should just stop thinking about it and just enjoy where we are right now, I don't think we can move on fast enough!  

 

There have been several things that spook me.  Let me give you some examples:

 

The other night, my husband was getting ready to get in the shower.  He took his towel and sat it on the shelf right next to the tub and then walked out of the bathroom to go get his clothes.  When he came back, there was a nickel sitting right on top of the towel.  Somebody had to put it there b/c he had just carried that towel from the other bathroom to the one he was going to shower in.  Both kids were sound asleep and I hadn't even went down the hall.  He totally didn't believe me when I said I didn't do it but once I convinced him, I felt totally creeped out.

There is one certain door to the outside of this house that we never ever use.  There is nothing really outside that door that we need to get to so we just don't ever open it but I still check it every night to make sure it is locked up tight just like the other two doors.  Last night I checked it, it was all locked up.  This morning I walked by it and looked and it was unlocked.  There are three locks between it and the storm door....I always lock all three locks and every time I have found it unlocked, all three locks will be unlocked.  Everyone in the house denies doing it.  I'm scared!

I have a curio cabinet in the hallway that just has some odd and end things in it.  It is a little hard to open and you really have to pull on the door.  I walked past it to go put on my shoes before going to get the kids at school and I would have noticed if the door was opened.  I go get the kids and come straight home (maybe 30 minutes later) and one of the doors is wide open and pushed all the way back.  There is no way that door opened by its self.  I have had it for 8 years and it has never came open.

We have new hardwood laminates in all three of the bedrooms that we put in when we moved here.  When I walk in Tegan's room, for some reason it makes a little noise and sounds like the backing of the hardwood is sticking and ripping up from the flooring underneath.  One night he was coughing so I ran in to check on him.  He had stopped coughing and I just stood there watching him for a minute and then left the room.  I could hear the floor doing that to me as I walked out.  After I stepped on the hallway carpet I stopped and glanced in Ry's room.  I turned to go back to our room and I could hear that same sound on the floor that it makes only when someone is walking across it.  I thought Teg had woke up and was coming to my room but when I looked in he was asleep and I could hear the sound perfectly. 

This doesn't both my husband b/c I guess he thinks if something is here, it is his dad watching over us but I am terrified of stuff like this.  I watched the Long Island Medium on TLC the other night and she is very convincing.  I think she needs to take a trip down south and come visit this house to give me some peace.

I'm starting to think that I am going crazy but that is mostly b/c my husband has told me that I am going off the deep end! Ha! 

Forever My Baby....

Today it has been six long and short years since I last saw Cohen's little body.  Six years since I held him in my arms.  Six years since I memorized him....every inch of him.

I only held him once for about an hour and for whatever reason, I never asked to see him again.  I guess you could say that I was dazed, shut down and out of touch.

Every now and then I go to my little blue box filled with things from his short life and search for something new, something I have never seen before but sadly when a precious little life is taken from you so soon there are never any new items added to the box and never any stories told about him.  Instead of grieving the memories, I grieve the hopes and possibilities of what his little life could be.

Even though I have been sad lately and having a hard time, I am very confident that my heart has healed as much on this side of Heaven as it will.  I don't wish this had never happened to me, in fact, I praise God in my prayers every night for my Cohen.  When I let my mind wonder to Heaven, I have to admit I get an excitement in my heart when I think of Cohen waiting there for me.  It is an unexplainable feeling!
  I don't envision him being older.  I have this perfect image of this perfect baby laying in the arms of Jesus waiting for his mommy.  Even though he wasn't my last child, we will forever be my baby!

Last night I tried my hand at making my own flower arrangement for his grave.  I was pretty proud of how it turned out....

 This morning my sweet Rylee was up early.  She was actually up way before me.  I wondered in to the bathroom with my eyes half closed this morning and when I flipped on the light, this is what I saw.....

 My heart literally lit up!  Before I even opened it to read it, I was smiling from ear to ear.  No one has ever acknowledged Cohen as much as Rylee has.  She was almost four when I had him but he impacted her little life.  She makes sure to mention him from time to time.  I hear her telling Tegan that he has a brother in heaven.  I have said it before and I will say it again, Rylee is my saving grace and Tegan is my mercy!  This morning my sweet Rylee wrote this for me and I promise you that these words came straight from God's mouth to her hand b/c every word of it (including the I Love You Mommy) is exactly what I needed!

 Is there anything in this world better than that girl??? 

Today I plan to be happy, if not for myself then for her and for Tegan.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life the lord has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

Clearing My Mind...

I've been sick with some sort of cold or flu.  It does not feel good and is taking me forever to recover from.

I have a new found love for night time cold medicine.  Even though I have tons of snot piled in my sinuses, I have still woke up rested feeling everyday since starting the cold medicine.  I may or may not be addicted but all I know is that a cold medicine coma is the best.

I went to the grocery store this morning and bought enough for 2 1/2 meals.....it cost me $80!  These people will be eating sandwiches every night if the cost of food goes up much more.

I had what I think was a panic attack in the middle of the night a week ago.  It was not fun and almost sent me to the hospital before slacking off.

Rylee is doing twirling and loves it.

Tegan is playing soccer and hates it:(  He has declared his love for baseball which is fine by me.  As long as he stays away from football, I'm good!

Tomorrow is Cohen's "Angel Day".

I think this house may be haunted or someone is playing jokes on me.

Cohen Lane has been keeping me very busy and on my toes.

I'm thinking of opening up a second etsy shop.  I know, add one more thing to your plate silly girl!  

 

Rylee talked me in to taking her shopping.  She took all my money!

 

I am procrastinating starting my work today, can you tell:)

 

 

Proverbs

Two days ago I wrote THIS post about how my heart has been feeling lately.  That same day my husband finally asked me what was wrong and when I tried to tell him, his response was to start jogging.  No seriously, he told me that he read in my Redbook magazine that jogging helps your mood.  Then I proceeded to say only limited words to him over the next 24 hoursJ

No worries though because he did redeem himself somewhat last night.  Of course I had to start the conversation because the fact that I can slap on a happy face for my babies is a sign to a man that all is well in my world. 

I love the Bible.  I love to hear Bible verses that relate to my daily life and encourage me.  My problem is that I don’t really like to just sit down and read the Bible.  I pull the Bible verses that I love the most and then I leave the rest.  It has been brought to my attention by my husband that sometimes what I am looking for may be in “the rest” that I am leaving behind.  So last night as we talked he tried to convince me that while handing stuff to God and really leaving it with him is hard, it can be done.  He also suggested that read Proverbs and then I read it again.  All of Proverbs.  Now I think those suggestions were a little bit better than the suggestion of jogging because the man that should know me best should know that running and getting hot is not really my thing and it makes me have chest pains!  Ha! 

I am feeling a little bit better today.  I am always thankful for the blessings that I have and most importantly thankful for my husband and my children.  Does that stop me from wondering what is ahead and hoping for something more, no but my faith should teach me about the moment and not the future.  If I have learned anything I should know that no amount of regret or worry is going to control the things that are truly out of my control. 

So this is me, picking myself up and dusting myself off.  This is me learning to not let my anxieties and fears get the best of me.   I love the song by Phillip Phillips that says “Settle down, it’ll all be clear.  Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear”.  Isn’t that the truth! 

If I have learned anything in my little life it is that things can change on a dime….good or bad.  I may be sad and grieving (still) now but each year brings something different and something more that makes me say, I could have never imagined being in this place….I guess that is why it isn’t up to my imagination what direction I go in.  
Now please excuse me while I go read a little Proverbs:)

The Seasons of Life

This time of year is my favorite season but it is also a bad time of year for me.  Most of you know why but in case you don’t, we are fast approaching Cohen’s birth/angel day.  But the past couple of months have brought along with it a nagging and borderline depressed feeling that I just can’t overcome.  I have felt withdrawn and just different.  I am wanting to move at a much faster pace that God or even life is not willing to allow me.  I want what I want and I want it now…..don’t we all. 

I am 32 years old (I seriously had to think about my age).  Now I know that isn’t old but I feel like the early to mid 30’s is that point in your life…you know, the one where you have most everything figured out.  I know that isn’t true and it isn’t the case for everybody but in my mind, that is the way I thought it would be.  There are thoughts of a different home, career, faith and just life in general that have been swirling in my head lately.  I have realized more and more lately that the “family picture” I have had in my head for most of my adult life, isn’t complete but my husband’s “family picture” is complete.  I have a pull toward adoption.  My husband does not.  I am slightly uncomfortable in our new to us home.  My husband is content b/c he grew up here.  I am uneasy that my two kids are growing at a rapid pace.  My husband says it is part of life.   I want to do something.  What that something is, I have no idea! 

I have withdrawn a lot lately.  Withdrawn from friends and family.  It is very easy to do without anyone noticing b/c when you work from home and aren’t forced to be around others…who notices.  I feel very distant and feel like I need to refocus. 

Crying…I have been crying.  Of course it doesn’t help that I have been following the journey of Ty(if you read his mom’s blog, have a Kleenex) as his mom is an open book while navigating a territory that I hope I never ever have to venture in to.  I mean I can’t even think of this boy that I don’t even know without crying.  Every time I see that she has updated the blog, I start crying before it even pulls up on my screen.  I don’t think this is normal for me to feel this way.  I should settle for what I got and feel content that these precious kids that I have are healthy and happy and well provided for.  I should just be OK. 

I have had a hard time accepting that I am leaving the phase of footie pajamas and trading them in for half-grown children.  I have not adjusted well to moving which is insane b/c we literally moved across the yard.  It doesn’t feel like mine and it doesn’t feel permanent.  I am so ready for permanent.  My business does well and keeps me busy but I envision it a different way but I am to stuck in my own thoughts to make that vision come to life. 

I am tired and exhausted 90% of the time and I guess it is totally safe to say that I am feeling lost.   Oh and it is a Monday…a for real true Monday!   

Favorite Thing Friday

I like to shop but I don't like to pay a lot for stuff:)  I think that for favorite thing Friday, it is safe to say that getting a deal on the items is more exciting to me than the actual items.  I just LOVE to get stuff at 1/4 of the original price.  Most of the time I head straight to the clearance area when I walk through the door or a retail shop.

This past week I was guessing that it is time for stores to start marking down some of their summer items.  I didn't find a lot of stuff like I hoped but I am sure there will be lots of mark downs over the next couple of weeks.  Now typically when I go on the sales hunts, it is for my kids stuff.  I would say 90% of my shopping money goes to them.  This means that I have to try even harder to find stuff on sale for myself.

I hate bathing suit shopping.  I mean like really hate it.  I can never find a bathing suit that fits me the way I like.  This summer I kicked it in to high gear with some tummy crunches and leg squats.  We were going to the beach late in the summer and I wanted to be bathing suit ready.  I know I only have a few more years of being age appropriate for a bikini (although my trip to the beach taught me that some women don't care about the cut off).  Speaking of....what is the cut off age for wearing a bikini??

Anyways, I finally found a two piece that I loved and that looked somewhat decent on me.  I didn't find it until about 3 weeks before heading to the beach and once I found it, I had to have it.  I found it at Target of all places.  I had avoided the bikinis all summer but this one actually had just enough coverage.  I paid $17.99 for each piece totaling $35.98 + tax.  Yesterday I stopped by target to do a quick run through the clearance area.  

First thing that caught my eye....clearance bathing suits.  Even better, the style that I fell in love with earlier this summer was marked WAY down. Since it was a different color than the one I already have, I had to have it.  Oh, did I mention that each piece was only $5.38 totaling $10.76 + tax for the whole thing!!!  That is a huge price cut from the $35.98!  

Now I am completely ready for next years trip and I don't even have to spend a ton of money and go on a 3 month search for the perfect bathing suit.  Now if only I can keep the Little Debbie's, chips and coke from adding that tummy back so that I can actually wear it.

Earlier in the week I hit up Cato's clearance racks.  I love Cato's.  As a youngin in high school, I worked at Cato's.  Then I went back and worked there again with my dear friend as my boss right before I met my husband   In fact, it was Cato's and that boss (Chrissy) that got me and him together:)  Any who, I found these two super cute tops for just $3.99 each!  I was so excited b/c they fit perfect and don't let me forget to mention that I had to get a size small instead of a medium like usual.  Did I mention that I love Cato's b/c their clothes are bigger on me than most other places?? 

I will wear these during the winter too with cardigan sweaters or my denim jacket on top.

I always shop out of season for myself and I don't even mind having to wait months before I can wear an item.  Just knowing that I got something cute for a great deal is my favorite thing and helps to cure my craving for shopping!!!!  

Throwback Thursday!!

I've said it before and I will say it again.....I don't like how much my kids have grown.  I want to make it stop!!!

In honor of throw back Thursday, here is my sweet Rylee back in the day!

And just for comparison, she looks like this now....

I don't like it one bit:(