Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Happy Fall Y'all

This year was the first year in a long time that we haven't done the whole pumpkin patch thing.  I think the kids were a little sad about it but we just kind of ran out of time.  Plus we felt like that since we took them to the mountains and Dollywood for a weekend, some great big Aldi pumpkins would just have to do.

Instead of having the big old mess of pumpkin carving this year, I ruined Halloween yet again by only giving an option of painting pumpkins.  Their world came crashing down until they realized how fun painting a pumpkin all by their self could be....such a bad mama I am!

I usually love fall but this year I am totally missing my flip flops and gym shorts so I have been slacking in the fall fun area.  Truth is, I never really pushed fall activities until the October that we lost our precious baby boy.  That year was the first year we went to a pumpkin patch even though Ry was pushing four years old.  It was excruciating as I watched pregnant women and new born babies pass me by.  The next year we had Tegan and that helped to ease the pain but honestly, this time of year will never be easy on me.  Filling it up with busy days will never fill me up the way I need to be.  This year I was tired.  Tired of pushing myself to do things that will forever be my reminder....as if I need one.  So I decided not to force myself.  My kids didn't understand but I don't expect them to, or anyone to understand.  Seven years have passed me by.  While time heals it also takes me further away from him while yet getting me closer to him in heaven.  I read the following words on another blog that another mother with a loss wrote....no truer words have ever been wrote:

I am a different woman in my loss and grief and there is an inner struggle with the old me. I had to learn several boundaries and continue to learn more of what I can and cannot do.

GOD blessed me so much on this earth. This should be enough, right? But inside I still crave more because of the emptiness Reese (her daughter) left behind. Right now GOD uses this to make me hunger for Heaven and not be content in this world. This world is not my home.
wrote by Katie's Keeper
I know that I am beyond blessed with my two perfect and healthy children.  My cup runneth over when I see those awesome blessings in front of me.  They make every single day worth living and if I had to trade one child to get these two, I would do it over and over again.
Tegan wasn't having any part of the picture.  He was tired and being a meany pants but I finally caught a picture of him not looking like the devil.

Now I'm ready for Christmas.  My most favorite time ever!
Now if only I can locate some money to Christmas shop:)

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