Saturday, July 27, 2013

Turning It Around

DISCLAIMER:  I didn't proof read this b/c while typing it my little man kept asking me to play.  I kept putting him off and then realized I should just stop and enjoy him.  So you get what you get with this one!
It has been a long short summer at our house.  This is my first year working from home on a business that actually needs a lot of my attention daily while having both kids at home bored out of their minds.  It is so hard to get them to understand that I'm not just chilling at the computer updating my blog...obviously!
Teg has been bored.  I mean really bored.  Rylee has transformed in to a tween that never ever wants to leave her room.  The problem is, Teg wants to be in her room too which is resulting in to all day everyday screaming matches and a few throw down fights.  There has been whining, crying, and all out screaming by both the kids and myself.  There have been little to no groceries all summer b/c going to the grocery store with Teg is like trying to control a wild animal inside an unfamiliar space.  He goes wild!  So, I would rather scrape for food everyday or do hit or miss shopping than to have to go with both of them.  In all honesty, they are 5 (almost 6) and 10 so there is no reason I should feel this way.  The problem is that I got spoiled during the school year last year.  I would take them to school, go do all my grocery and essential shopping in peace all by my self!  Now that right there is amazing!
I have worked so hard all summer that stopping to take a minute with my kids has only been when I have took a break to take them to the pool to burn off energy while I watch them from the side in an overwhelming exhausted state of mind.  The problem is at the pool there are other kids for Teg to torture so that results in me saying his name at least 83 times an hour and not being able to get my hands on him b/c the judgmental looks I am getting are already enough to put me in the "You are an awful Mom" category.
The thing is I have just felt overwhelmed, negative and at the end of every single day, plagued with guilt of my lack of daily involvement with my kiddos that didn't involve breaking up a fight between them.  It has been a long hard summer!
I, being the mother of the year that I am, may have said more than once in front of my kids that "I can't wait for school to start back so I can get a break".  The reality is that I don't mean that I want a break from them b/c I don't like them, I just want my time back to work so that I'm not doing it at 2:00 am in the morning or having to try to work while listening to them scream at each other.  I know it sucks to work outside the home, I've done it, but working from home running my own business means everything depends on me...there is not a single minute that I don't think about my business.  I never get to just leave it at the office.  It consumes me!
My husband being the sweet soul that he is, brought to my attention last night that I should not say that I am ready for them to go to school in front of them anymore.  I asked why not and he said that Ry had told him that she wasn't ready for summer to end but she knew that I sure would be glad when I could get rid of them for the day by dropping them off at school.  It broke my heart.  I really cried.  I was mad at my husband for even telling me that b/c I thought he was calling me a bad mother (of course that isn't what he was saying).
The thing is I'm not ready for summer to end.  I love having no routine but I also need my routine.  I wish that all day everyday through the summer was spent entertaining and just enjoying my kids.  In my case, that just doesn't happen.  I am running a business that has taken off but I can't figure out how to delegate and hire help just yet.  I am not working a 40 hour a week job....I am working between 60 to 80 hours a week.  I work here and there all day everyday late in to the night....every. single. day!!!  I push myself to stay up later and later every night just to feel semi caught up.  I work hard but I am realizing that by pushing myself so hard, I am letting my kiddos just sit here and feel clueless as to what to do with themselves all summer long.  Teg is driving me and Ry nuts b/c he has nothing to do.  No schedule, no playmate, no fun.  Ry is barely coming out of her room b/c I'm not geared with something fun for her to do on a constant basis.
The problem here is that I still have to work.  There is no way around that.  I love my business and want it to do nothing more but to continue to thrive but I have 9 weekdays left to enjoy these kids. If I can take a one hour break everyday to have all my attention on them, that has got to mean something to them.  
Nine more days before they become 1st and 5th graders.  Nine days to show them that they may drive me crazy from time to time but if I didn't have that crazy in my life, I don't know what I would do with myself.  Nine days to reconnect with the daughter that has almost completely drifted away from me (more on that later).  Nine days to let Teg know that all b/c he has lots of energy, doesn't mean he is a bad kid....he really is a very sweet boy....very sweet ENERGETIC little boy.  I haven't met a 5 year old boy yet that doesn't have his energy but I have met some pretty mean ones and Teg is not one of those so at least I have that going for me:)
I have nine weekdays left to show these kids that they really do mean the world to me!  My only fear is if nine days is enough to remind them that they are the most important things in the whole world to me before diving back in to the busy school year:(

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