So today is October 4th...(that is for those of you who don't look at a calendar). And for those of you who don't know, today has been 2 years. Two quick and painful years since I gave birth to and lost Cohen. All in one day! I remember and relive it all like it was yesterday. Recently I realized that a lot of what I grieve for is not only the child I don't have but the future I don't have with that child. So the quick version: It was discovered at a 20 week ultrasound that Cohen was missing his right kidney and it looked like his left kidney was completely blocked my cyst, this is a lethal condition and there is nothing that could be done. When asking how or why this happened we were told that it was just something that happens sometimes.
When you walk into my house the first thing to your left is a sofa table against the wall. Just above that is a picture. At first glance it looks like a beautiful piece of artwork but when you look a little closer you will see that it is so much more than that. I had approached a true artist about doing me a drawing. I wasn't sure what I wanted but I wanted it to symbolize Cohen. It just so happen that I saw a piece of his artwork which was his own child that he had lost and I knew he was the right person to do this for me. It was the most emotional and touching thing I had ever seen. I had to have something like that for myself. He was more than happy to do it for me and wouldn't even let me pay him for it. Him and his wife went about a thousand steps further than that and donated tons of his prints to raise money for us while I was out of work and on bed rest with my pregnancy with Tegan. By completely donating everything to us they raised for us over $5,000! With the money came a note that sits in my nightstand draw that told me that they were just paying it forward and our gift to them one day will be to do the same.
Sorry...back to the picture. When I was getting the picture and was so excited while waiting on it I was telling everyone about it. Most people were excited for me but one comment one day was "that they didn't know if they would want something hanging on their wall as a constant reminder." At first this bothered me but then I realized who cares what anyone else thought, I for sure don't need a picture to remind me of the pain of being told my child would not survive the pregnancy and the emotional pain when I felt my body release him after 24 hours of labor. Most definitely I did not need anything to remind me of the moment we saw and held him and I run my finger over his entire tiny body to the point that I could probably draw him out perfectly with my finger. So I went back to being excited about my picture. When I got it I realized that it was way better and meant way more than I could have ever imagined. He couldn't have done a better job had he been there drawing Cohen in person. It is a peaceful baby, laying on a cloud with his wings and it reads...Cohen Minish, October 04, 2006, "Some people can only dream of Angels, we held ours in our arms." It took me until about 6 months ago to actually hang it on my wall. I don't know why...it has been framed since the day I brought it home but hanging it up just meant something different, maybe a sense of things being final...I don't know. Jamie Calkin is his name....if you Google him you can see his website. Him and his wife are two very amazing people! My walls feel complete....Rylee, Cohen and Tegan! All three of my children will be on my walls forever!
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