Amazing Grace

Today is a very special day for me. I have spoken many times on here about the loss of my son, Cohen, at his birth. Once upon a time everything felt helpless and it felt like I would never be happy again. Although I still see his little body daily, I feel like I am very blessed. Rylee sung at church this morning in memory of Cohen. As you watch the video, just take a moment and close your eyes...when you close your eyes all you can feel is the blessings that this sweet little voice brings to me.

After she sang I somehow gathered the courage to talk at church. We do what is called communion mediation which is where a different person each week speaks briefly. They may read something, speak from their heart or whatever they want. I have never done this before and have never had a desire to do this before until recently. I felt the feeling to speak on behalf of my son and our family. So speaking is what I did...others cried but I was able to keep my composure. Although I was unable to look up at the crowd for fear of passing out...I did it. Below is what I said:

Psalms 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God!” I’ve never felt a verse like this one until this day three years ago. It was the most peaceful day of my life. I felt no anxiety, no fear and no anger. You would be surprised to know that on October 4th, 2006 after 24 hours of labor I delivered my son, Cohen Minish being well aware that he would pass away only moments later. The days that have followed have not been nearly as peaceful. To say that I have grieved gracefully and without hurting those around me would be a lie. Getting out of bed every day became more of a had to than a choice. I have moved forward physically b/c that is what time has made me do but moving forward emotionally hasn’t come easy for me. Not that I have been in a Godless darkness…but in a sad darkness. God takes us into these places sometimes…because He finds GREAT worth in us.

WE all experience loss in our lifetime, whether it is a loved one, a job or even a marriage. We don’t get to choose these losses but we do get to chose how we handle our loss.

I have felt that I was given a burden that I didn’t ask for. It has taken me 3 years and lots of prayer to realize that God never meant my son to be a burden but a blessing. And what a blessing his brief life is to me.

Every day I remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11, “His plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”

Although I wasn't sure I was going to be able to speak much less do it without crying, I did and one lady came forward and rededicated her life. She hugged and thanked me for sharing my words and my child's voice with her today as many did.

Today seems different than the past couple of years. I feel better. Not only did I honor my son with words that keeps him alive in my heart and in others but I did it b/c I felt that God was telling me to. I felt very obedient. I am about to watch a movie with my daughter while my son sleeps and then go to the cemetery to praise God for his precious life. What a wonderful end to the perfect day:)

"For you created my inmost being: You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them cam to be. Psalm 139:13-16